Remember Rebecca Black’s infamously awful song "Friday"? Well there’s more. Ark Music Factory writer and Producer Patrice Wilson has exercised his incredible skills again to create "Chinese Food," featuring tween Alison Gold singing about her need for, you guessed it, Chinese food, after a night out—a pretty universal feeling, I’m sure you’ll agree. This track gives us hilarious lines and moments rivaling even the blandness of “Yesterday was Thursday…Today it is Friday.”
That being said, whereas Friday was laughable simply because of its insipidness, "Chinese Food" is often downright offensive, developing into a list of Asian stereotypes including young girls dressed as geishas and Wilson rapping in a panda costume about wonton soup and sweet and sour sauce. Don’t worry though—so you don’t have to sit through a video that’s already garnered around 15,000 dislikes on YouTube, we’ve analyzed the best (or rather, worst) bits for you. Be prepared for noodles, rice, and chow mo-mo-mo-mo mein.
Asian man angrily speaking Chinese whilst making noodles. – A promising beginning.
The noodles produce a sparkly rainbow. – I’m intrigued. Tell me more, Alison.
“After balling I go clubbing/Then I’m hugging/Then I’m hungry.” – “Balling,” presumably refers to basketball. Then what does “hugging” imply in this scenario?
“I love fried rice (Yeah)/ I love noodles (Yeah)/ I love Chow Mein/ Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein.” – Hey, what if I don’t want to eat any of those options?
“Read the menu.” – Phew, thanks for the advice Alison!
“They got broccoli/Even chicken wings… I like the egg rolls/And the wonton soup.” – But in fact, we don’t actually need to read the menu, because we’ve got Alison here to sing it for us.
“Fortune cookies, tell my future.” – Praying for a Freaky Friday moment here. Only Lindsay Lohan could make this song better.
Alison befriends lonely Giant Panda and skips happily in a meadow with it. – Cuddly and sweet, this is nicely age appropriate. None of Rebecca Black’s underage driving for Alison.
They have a tickle fight. – A young girl and a sweet, plushy bear, best friends forev–
Giant Panda takes its head off and turns out to be Patrice Wilson. – This got real creepy real fast.
Panda-Patrice hybrid plays board games with five young girls whilst rapping “Get me broccoli/While I play Monopoly.” – If you didn’t have a pathological fear of pandas, you do now.
Panda-Patrice smothers sweet and sour sauce on his lips and grins at the camera. – I’m scared.
Back to Alison and her friends who are suddenly wearing kimonos, holding fans and two of whom have ‘geisha’ make up on. – Number one, kimonos are Japanese, not Chinese. Number two, in fact, geishas are also Japanese. A Chinese Geisha is a type of tree. If we could just stick to the one racial stereotype here please…?
Alison watches sadly as panda flies away on a rainbow. – Poor Alison. Not only forced to sing this song, but deserted by her best friend. Still, you’re better off without him. Trust me.
Shot of Asian man bowing mysteriously below the words: “Fortune cookies are never wrong.” – Wow. Alison has learnt an important lesson in life here. As have I. Never trust a man dressed in a giant panda costume.