Mama always told me it was a bad idea to get a tattoo. Now I know why: Tattoos are how they identify you when you’re caught sleeping on video by a Brazilian groupie.
Every publicist’s psychosis-inducing waking nightmare, Justin Bieber, found his escandalosa trip to Brazil get even escandalosa-er Wednesday when a video surfaced that was allegedly shot the same weekend he was reportedly photographed leaving a well-known Brazilian brothel named Centaurus. In the hypnotizing 15-second clip, a groupie filmed Bieber sleeping on a large striped day bed. Some internet outlets are reporting that the groupie is a prostitute but those claims are largely unfounded and were rebuked by Bieber’s camp, according to TMZ.
The video is of the high art known as “selfie.” It’s shot by and co-stars a woman identified by Perez Hilton as Tati Neves and is titled “Justin Bieber Sleeping with a Girl in Brasil.” How do we know for sure it’s the Human Personification of Petulance that’s in the video? For one, the title says so. For two, distinctive, intricate tattoos on the left arm of the snoozing body leave almost no question that is in fact that the Tornado of Teenage Rebellion in the clip, the sleeping calm after a brothel-terrorizing storm.
Ah yes, the Bieber Brazilian brothel brouhaha. The Patron Saint of Acting Out was busted sneaking out of what Page Six delicately couches as “the popular whorehouse Centaurus.” He was reportedly inside what Us Weekly calls, exhibiting as much careful nuance as Page Six, “the sex den” for three hours, leaving with two two blessed chosen ones after That Guy Who Thought Leather Hammer Pants Were a Good Idea discovered that each woman’s company cost $1,200 per night.
The just surfaced video, according to numerous reports, was apparently shot after another night of debauchery, this time after a trip to Zax nightclub. That night, Arrogance With Hair apparently corralled 30 girls from the club back to his private residence, where he ordered fast food and chocolate for everyone to nosh on…you know, after their phones were allegedly confiscated and they signed contracts pledging not to share details or photos from the party everywhere. What a coincidence, as that same Sunday night I splurged on a $5 footlong from Subway and sternly told the cashier not to tell anyone about the three cookies I bought, too. It was my cheat day!
Justin Bieber and I, we’re so the same.
All of which brings us to this very special video. And it is a truly special video. Why? Well, because we’ve seen so much Bieber. We’ve seen him on a shoe. We’ve seen him check out Selena Gomez’s cleavage. We’ve seen him fly through the air with the wings of an archangel. We have seen his butt.
But never before have we seen the Walking Haircut in such state of intimacy: asleep. Now that we have, we have but one question: What does a Justin Bieber dream of?
Seriously, what are Justin Bieber’s dreams like? Everyone in his dream is a Muppet, aren’t they? I’ll bet everyone in his dreams has enormous boobs. Does he have that dream where it feels like he’s falling forever but can’t scream for help, like I do? What does it mean, Justin? What does it mean?
That our Post-Puberty Dennis the Menace appears to be lost in such deep slumber seems only understandable. There’s something unavoidably soporific about the manic flutter of the girl’s eyelids as she makes transfixing billowy gestures towards the sleeping singer, like she’s catching some Brazilian witch spell. We watched the video twice and then had to take a nap. Black magic, no doubt.
Now that we’ve seen what Canada’s Most Questionable Export looks like in peaceful sleep, wrapped in a cozy blanket, never more than 8 inches away from his own personal binky, his flat-rimmed red baseball hat, how do we feel about it? Enthralled. Embarrassed. Merry. Anxious. Somber. But mostly glad that we listened to mama and never got a tattoo.