Really NSFW

12.03.13

R. Kelly’s Craziest Lyrics From ‘Black Panties,’ Analyzed

R. Kelly uses the word ‘p**sy’ 57 times in one song. He also accepts responsibility for every child born since the ’90s. Really. Read more ridiculous lyrics from Black Panties.

There’s a beautiful song about love on R. Kelly’s new album Black Panties.

“I just want to marry Cheryl. I just want to marry Cheryl. I just want to marry Cheryl. Want to go down on my knees, and expect Cheryl to marry me.”

The song is actually, as Kelly sings, a sex proposal. And the lyric is not “Cheryl.” It’s “p**sy.” The song “Marry the P**sy” uses the P-word roughly 57 times in only 4 minutes and 18 seconds.

It’s easy to forget that the man who wrote “Show Ya P**sy” (another track on the album), also penned “I Believe I Can Fly,” arguably one of the best gospel songs of our time. Since almost every song on Black Panties features at least one absurd lyric, we’ve picked out the most ridiculous lines. [Warning: Obviously this whole thing is pretty NSFW.]

‘Cookie’

On “Cookie,” R. Kelly channels his inner Rihanna, and takes a delicious dessert food, in this case Oreo cookies, and turns it into a cheesy and appetite ruining double-entendre. Kelly, however, goes a step further and abandons any pretence of subtlety. From the first verse, it is clear he is not actually talking about eating Oreos: “Then I beat the p**sy ‘til it’s blue.” Elsewhere in the song, Kelly compares himself to the cookie monster and cleverly sings “I love to lick the middle like an Oreo.

‘Marry the P**sy’

R. Kelly expands on his love of the female body in “Marry the P**sy,” in which he serenades well, you know. A song with such an absurd title cannot help but contain some of the most ridiculous lyrics on the album. Kelly calls the p**sy his best friend, and croons, “If I’m ever in the mood for two p**sies/ Then the p**sy will bring another p**sy to me.” Kelly obviously has a lot of confidence in his best friend. By far the most LOL-worthy lyrics come in the bridge: “And I drive that p**sy crazy/That’s my Bugatti/ I keep that p**sy hot and wet/ Yeah that’s Miami climate.”

“I love to lick the middle like an Oreo.”

‘My Story’

“My Story” tells the tale of R.Kelly’s Soulacoaster through music. He sings, “I beat the p**sy, Django.” The lyrics were confusing—what was the connection between beating said body part and Django? Thankfully, Rap Genius provides an explanation: Kelly is comparing himself to a slave owner who beats his slaves, and the p**sy to Django, a slave who was beaten. This metaphor raises a lot of questions when juxtaposed with the rest of the lyrics of the song. Kelly sings about his humble beginnings: “Yeah, I’m from that Chi-town dirt/ I went from being broke to sleeping in Versace shirts.”  Elsewhere in the song, Kelly sings, “Showed her the Jesus piece now she got the Holy Ghost.” Yes, he is in fact saying that a woman seeing his manhood is like being blessed by the Holy Ghost.

‘Shut Up’

Uncle Ben once told his grandson Peter Parker, “With great power comes great responsibility.” On “Shut Up,” it appears as though R. Kelly has taken this quote to heart as he is fully aware of the power of his sexually charged lyrics and accepts responsibility for…wait for it…EVERY CHILD BORN SINCE THE ‘90s. In the bridge, R. Kelly declaims, “No offense to the other artists/ But come on dawg, let’s be honest/ How many babies have been made off me? OMG!/ Seriously, you gonna act like that?/Sitting there like it ain’t no truth to that?/ Lookin at me like I ain’t talkin stats/ Every boy, every girl, every child around the world/ From the ‘90s up until today was made off me.”

‘Show Ya P**sy’

There’s a confusing pop culture reference in “Show Ya P**sy’: “I’m ‘bout to smoke a blunt up in this fuckin’ club/ Go ahead call me Scottie in this f***in’ club.” There wasn’t a Rap Genius explanation for this line, so I had to turn to another reliable source: Urban Dictionary. In this context, “Scottie” apparently refers to “A substance that sends someone in positive vertical direction,” and finds it origin in the Star Trek catch phrase “Beam me up, Scottie.” Ergo, we should call him Scottie in da club because he is figuratively beaming himself up by smoking a blunt in da club.

‘Every Position’

R. Kelly’s resume is already pretty long: singer, songwriter, producer, Hip-Hopera composer. Well, on “Every Position,” R. Kelly adds vocal coach to this list. As R. Kelly tries to assure his woman of his sexual prowess, he promises that having sex with him will turn her into a singer, and once he gets her into bed he’ll have her “hittin’ them notes likes Aretha.”