The Tithe Is High: End the GOP Civil War!

Social conservatives are dead set on taking back the Republican Party—and we want to help

01.11.14 10:45 AM ET

Earlier this month, the religious right’s most formidable funders gathered at a Northern Virginia Ritz Carlton to forge a battle plan against those heretics in the Republican Party who’d prefer to focus on things like “budgets” over the country-killing scourge that is two dudes getting hitched. The summit’s goal, organized by the Conservative Action Project and funded by the mysterious Council on National Policy, is to put as much of a spotlight onto pro-life, keeping-God-in-the-pledge-of-allegiance issues as the Koch brothers do for fiscally conservative issues that, well, help the Koch Brothers.

As the head of something called the American Principals Project explained to Politico, “the Manhattan and California zip codes where large numbers of these donors come from don’t…have the same views as Western Ohio. So there is a distortion of the political views by the donor class and by the consultant class.”

Fair enough! I guess?

As a veteran of the War On Christmas (Winner of the Purple Candy Cane for heroics in the Mall Santa uprising of ‘02), I feel qualified to suggest the following targets to this band of blue-state hating, Bible-quoting brethren.

Sandra Bullock

Heavy-handed religious imagery aside, the heliocentric hit “Gravity” presumes that the Earth orbits the Sun, rather than good ol’ terra firma being the center of the entire universe. Well, Jesus sure as shit didn’t co-write that script! In space, nobody can hear you scream. But every circle of hell will listen to your eternal suffering, Miss Bullock.

Pope Francis

Forget about the fact that this so-called pontiff said that the Catholic Church should focus more on the golden rule, and less on Neil Patrick Harris raising little Doogies with his—cringe—HUSBAND. And consider the following commie dreck, which came straight from the Pope’s pie hole: “Some people continue to defend trickle-down theories which assume that economic growth, encouraged by a free market, will inevitably succeed in bringing about greater justice and inclusiveness in the world.” Oh, it gets worse. P-Frank has the gall to bring in the word “facts”: “This opinion, which has never been confirmed by the facts, expresses a crude and naïve trust in the goodness of those wielding economic power and in the sacralized workings of the prevailing economic system.” What sort of Reaganomics-bashing blasphemy is this, Francis? You’re no Pope Benedict. (Mostly because you weren’t instrumental in covering up hundreds of molestation charges against your fellow priests. I feel like I can get away with typing this, as I’m told Benedict doesn’t believe in reading parenthetical statements. It’s a pre-Second Vatican Council thing.)


Sure the execs finally folded on their six-week suspension of Duck Dynasty patriarch, Phil Robertson, for his homophobic/blacks-were-happy-with-slavery quotes in a recent GQ profile. But…wait. The network gave in on all fronts, didn’t they? Never mind. You’ll make the Rapture, A&E. Apart from anyone involved with the show “Gene Simmons: Family Jewels” (too Jewy) or “Rodeo Girls” (a woman’s place is in the ranch).

Red Lobster

Because… “Whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.”  Leviticus 11:10 (Read: Burn in hell-fish, shellfish.)

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This is what adult, male (supposedly) heterosexual fans of The Hub channel’s “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic” call themselves. They have conventions, fansites, equine avatars…the whole nine. There’s something about it that just seems very anti-Christian to me. For starters: Talking animals? Kinda Satany.

Liz Cheney

Lets make an example out of someone who would capture our imagination by condemning gay couples wanting the same tax breaks as heteros, but not having the fortitude to see her primary through because, among other things, her sister dates chicks. We don’t care about your awkward family dinners, Liz. We cared about your formerly firm stance against women who have Uncle Jessie mullets and wear flannel!

The North

They don’t call this a GOP “civil war for nothing! “If you buy a Hebrew slave, he is to serve for only six years.  But the slave may plainly declare, ‘I love my master, my wife, and my children.  I would rather not go free.’  If he does this, his master must present him before God.  Then his master must take him to the door and publicly pierce his ear with an awl.  After that, the slave will belong to his master forever,” from Exodus 21:2-6 NLT Feel kinda weird about the whole, metrosexual, ear-piercing thing…but this Old Testament endorsement on slavery would make my life a lot easier. *writing a Craig’s List request*

Inside Ilewyn Davis

In fairness, nobody at the summit was probably even aware of this movie, but…folk music? And the name “Ilewyn Davis”? Sounds a little too commie/Hebrew to me.

The Jets

Uh, what part of last-team-to-let-Tim-Tebow-go are you not understanding, non-believers? The longer that blessed virgin is out of the NFL, the more we fall out of favor with JHC. I’d curse the Jets, specifically, but…what’s the point? It’s the Jets.


I felt so much braver criticizing the religious right when I actually worked for FOX News. Now I’m just shooting fish in the liberal media barrel. Forgive me Breitbart, for I have sinned.