Hollywood’s Big Night

01.13.14

Golden Globes Recap: All the Best, Weirdest Moments You (May Have) Missed

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were hysterical. Diane Keaton was delightfully weird. Relive the most memorable moments from this year’s Golden Globe Awards.

The 71st annual Golden Globes ended Sunday night with hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler toasting the audience, proclaiming, “This is the beautiful mess we hoped it would be!” They were so right, in the best way. Here are the best, weirdest, and otherwise delightful moments from Sunday night’s beautiful mess.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Delivered the Perfect Opening Monologue

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“Welcome to the 71st annual Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Lee Daniel’s The Butler Golden Globe Awards.” Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are The Best. The duo gets what so many awards show hosts don’t get. They know that their presence should be sparse—between their genius bits Sunday night, you actually missed them. They know that they’re there to give overly self-serious Hollywood permission to laugh at itself, but that such a mission doesn’t mean a brutal roasting is in order.

Their jokes at the expense at the A-listers in the audience were good-natured, but with just enough danger to upgrade the response from giggles to guffaws. There were jokes at the expense of “American treasure Tam Honks,” er Tom Hanks. There were decent jabs at Matt Damon, “basically a garbage person,” and Meryl Streep, who proved with August: Osage County that “there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streeps over age 60.” There were even punchlines at their own expense. “I believe Amy is here tonight. Can we get a shot of her?” (Cut to Jennifer Lawrence.)

They scored with one huge, buzzy one-liner, too. “George Clooney would rather float into space and die than spend one more moment with a woman his own age” ranks right up there with last year’s Kathryn Bigelow/James Cameron torture joke. The thing about hosts is that you should want them to be there, as in they should make you feel welcome, never uncomfortable. Mission accomplished.

Jennifer Lawrence’s Speech Was Charming. Duh.

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The chances of Jennifer Lawrence not winning were about as slim as anyone actually telling the truth about that new haircut of hers. The Girl Everyone Loves Because She’s Not Afraid to Joke About Pooping Herself won an arguably deserved (Team Lupita) Globe for her crackling, scene-stealing performance in American Hustle. She was also obviously, effortlessly charming (now officially referred to as “Lawrence-esque"), joking about how terrified she was to give the speech and how impressed she was with her fellow nominees, because she watched all of the movies this year. “But not all of them, but you know what I mean.”

Jacqueline Bissett Became the Most Googled She’s Ever Been

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So … that was weird.

Elisabeth Moss Was Finally Rewarded for Giving the Best Acting Performance of the Year.

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After traveling from what seemed like New Zealand (though blessedly faster than Jacqueline Bissett), Elisabeth Moss won the most deserved award of the night for her performance in Top of the Lake. After being egregiously overlooked by every awards organization year after year for her work on Mad Men, she exclaimed “Holy shit” once she got on stage—the second bleep in 26 minutes for this year’s Globes. If you listened closely during the bleep, you could faintly hear Jacqueline Bissett still giving her speech.

The HFPA Saved Themselves From the Wrath of Breaking Bad Fans

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There would have been a Twitter lynch mob if Bryan Cranston hadn’t won Best TV Drama Actor and Breaking Bad hadn’t won Best TV Drama. The Hollywood Foreign Press escaped death-by-140-characters by rewarding both Cranston and the show with Globes for its final season. Cranston gave the best speech of the honorees, saying that “everyone in the world will be able to share in Breaking Bad’s mirth and merriment.” But Aaron Paul closed the series’ win out best, stepping to the mic to proclaim, “Yeah bitch!”

Amy Adams Was Perfect

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Amy Adams’ speech was the aural version of a hug. And after she gave it, we 100 percent wanted to give her one back. And many, many more. Can it be Amy Adams who wins all the awards now?

We Met Randy, the First-Ever Mr. Golden Globe

The tradition of Miss Golden Globe is one of the sillier, though harmless, ones at every year’s ceremony: the daughter of a famous couple gives the trophies out to the winners. This year’s Miss Golden Globe was Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon’s daughter Sosie Bacon. And for the first time ever, there was a Mr. Golden Globe. His name is Randy, his mother is Tina Fey, his father is either Idris Elba or Harvey Weinstein, he has the same haircut as Robin Wright (see below), and he has the best insults: “Jacqueline Bissett hates you, too.”

Robin Wright’s Hair Had the Moment it Deserved

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Robin Wright’s haircut won Best TV Actress, Drama for House of Cards. Excuse me. Robin Wright won Best TV Actress, Drama for House of Cards.

Jim Carrey Delivered the Line of the NIght

“Dying is easy, comedy is hard. I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that.” Jim Carrey, of all people, delivers the joke of the night.

Andy Samberg and Brooklyn Nine-Nine Made Everyone Gasp. Twice.

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It is now “Golden Globe award-winning actor Andy Samberg.” Take a moment to ruminate on that. The actor won Best Actor in a TV Comedy for Brooklyn Nine-Nine, stunning just about everybody. His speech, though, was absolutely adorable and very dude-y: “The cast is awesome. The crew, really good. The writers kick ‘a.’” He then thanked his “team,” but put “team” in air quotes. All of this while Seth Meyers beamed on like a proud papa. Brooklyn Nine-Nine also took home Best Comedy Series to boot, ruining all of your Golden Globes pools.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Emma Thompson Stole the Show

Julia Louis-Dreyfus smoked an e-cigarette while sitting with the film actors for her Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama nomination. She ate a hot dog while sitting with the TV actors for her Best Actress in a TV Comedy nomination. Both bits were hysterical. Emma Thompson presenting later in the night while swilling a martini and carrying her heels is Louis-Dreyfus’s only rival for the night’s best scene-stealer.

Amy Poehler Won Best Actress in a Comedy and Everyone Was Overjoyed

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Amy Poehler finally won an award for her performance as Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation. She celebrated, as one does, by making out with Bono. If there’s one reason to be unhappy about Poehler’s win, it’s that we’ll never get to see the comedy bit that she and Fey had undoubtedly planned in case Poehler lost the category. But we can live with never seeing it. Definitely.

Diane Keaton Accepted Woody Allen’s Award and Everyone Was Confused

Diane Keaton walked out on stage dressed as someone dressing at Diane Keaton and delivered an endearing, odd, touching, and, most of all, rambling tribute to Woody Allen, who wasn’t on hand to accept his Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award. She said some very nice things about Allen, like why actresses are so eager to work with him, and why they give such great performances at his hand: “Because Woody’s women can’t be compartmentalized. They struggle, they love, they fall apart, they’re funny, they’re flawed.” She then sang the Girl Scout ditty “Make New Friends.” Diane Keaton is the new Jodie Foster.

The Best Actors Won Best Actor (and Actress)

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The thing about the Golden Globes is that movie fans have, because of the past few years, become conditioned to watching the HFPA crown really weird winners. What a relief, then, that the two best performances won Best Actor and Actress. Cate Blanchett won the award she couldn’t deserve more for her uncomfortable, riveting performance in Blue Jasmine. Matthew McConaughey’s win for Dallas Buyers Club was more of a surprise, but definitely a pleasant one.

Tina Fey Burned Leonardo DiCaprio

“Like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.”

Reese Witherspoon Introduced Best Drama-Winner 12 Years a Slave

Reese Witherspoon introduced Best Drama nominee 12 Years a Slave because … wait, what? It was a delightfully ridiculous choice by the HFPA. The film went on to win Best Drama. Witherspoon was not thanked in the speech.