World News

01.17.14

P.J. O’Rourke on Foreign Policy and France, Hold the Swiss

It was a tough week for Shlemiel of State John Kerry, who was topped by a dwarfish North Korean baller and made one Kremlin princess very, very unhappy.

U.S. foreign policy adrift?…

Gosh, no. Look at the progress in… Just a sec, Googling “U.S. Foreign Policy, progress in.” Will get right back to you.

Doping scandal threatens upcoming Grammy Awards show. The Grateful Dead may be stripped of 2007 Lifetime Achievement Award if evidence of performance-enhancing drug use mounts.

U.S. and Iran close on comprehensive nuclear pact.  Only a few questions remain to be settled.

      U.S.:  “Animal, vegetable, or mineral?”

      Iran:  “Mineral.”

      U.S.:  Is it smaller than a breadbox?”

      Iran:  “Not yet.”

      U.S.:  “Is it something I could buy at the mall?”

      Iran: “No.”

      U.S.: “Is it something I could buy at the mall in North Korea?”

During his first year as secretary of State, John Kerry traveled 286,819 miles, only partly on windsurfing board, maintained Buster Keaton deadpan and Herman Munster body language, and visited 38 national leaders—getting teased by all of them for ordering a Philly cheesesteak with Swiss, bringing much-needed comic relief to a troubled world.

Trouble in Moscow…

U.S. defense bill bans Russia from installing GPS antennas on U.S. soil. Putin furious. Says antennas are for civilian use only, to help Russian tourists find malls with Disney stores. President Putin fond of buying princess costumes—especially costumes of feisty warrior Mulan and Princess Merida—“for friends’ daughters,” size XXXL.

GPS glitch may have been what caused Russian ship with tourists aboard, MV Akademik Shokalskiy, to wind up icebound in Antarctica instead of in port at San Diego where passengers could go ashore and shop at malls.

John Kerry, back at the State Department for a change, busy searching Foggy Bottom for the Relations-With-Russia “Reset” button Hillary Clinton left someplace.

President Francois Hollande absolutely, categorically denies that he did not have an affair: “Such a failing on my part would sully the honor of France!”

No top U.S. officials to attend Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, but American delegation will include three LGBT athletes. Billie Jean King, U.S. women’s hockey team Olympic medalist Caitlin Cahow, and Olympic gold-medal figure skater Brian Boitano are not expecting difficulties in the homophobic host country. Delegation is headed by former Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano. She knows all about the private life of the Russian president, who’s still coming to terms with “Putin it where it wants to go.”

Anonymous source at Kremlin, dressed as Princess Merida, denies Russian version of GPS will be called GulagMaps.

Back at Foggy Bottom…

More than three years after U.S. troops withdrew from Iraq, nation-building proceeds apace. Especially in Fallujah. Secretary of State Kerry sends congratulations, also weapons, to Iraqi President Nouri al-Maliki. “Wish we could be there, but here’s a little something to remember us by.”

Contrary to What Stupid Republicans Think…

A completely different U.S. foreign policy may not be the answer. Although Dennis Rodman’s American basketball players did diplomatically lose to the North Korean squad, with their 4’8” starved, tortured point guard.

Speaking of Stupid Republicans…

Future for Lt. Gov. Mark Darr as a popular nostalgia-provoking political elder statesman is in doubt.  Pudgy elected official from Arkansas accused of ethics violations refused to step down, and was facing impeachment. And then, typical stupid Republican, he resigned.

Mayor Is a Democrat, So Following Cannot Be Blamed on Stupid Republicans… 

San Antonio, seventh-largest U.S. city, ranked 60th in literacy, just opened Bexar County BiblioTech, first public library in nation without any books.

Doubtless stocks new WordPlay Shakespeare program aimed at getting students engaged in Bard via youthful fondness for high tech.

Romeo and Juliet in 10 Emoticons…

      Montagues :-(

      Capulets :-(  

      Romeo :^)

      Juliet :^)

      Friar Lawrence ;-)

      Romeo & Juliet (‘}{‘)

      Juliet (-.-)

      Romeo (x_x)

      Juliet (x_x)

      Everybody :-O

Not Fair to Blame Everything on Stupid Republicans, or John Kerry…

New memoir by ex-Secretary of Defense Robert Gates gives his assessment of Vice President Joe Biden: “I think he has been wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades.”

And people say Joe’s unpredictable.

Not Fair to Blame Everything on Joe Biden Either…

Operation Fast and Furious, giving guns to Mexican drug lords to see if they’d use them…  Phone record surveillance of that sinister organization, the Associated Press…  Plan to prosecute Khalid Sheikh Mohammad in civilian criminal court (“Hello, Legal Aid, do we have a case for you!”)…

Now Insane Clown Posse sues FBI for designating rap duo’s fans as criminal gang. What part of:

 A.) “insane”

 B.) “clown”

 C.) “body of men summoned by law enforcement official to assist in keeping the peace.”

does Eric Holder’s Justice Department not understand?

Back at Foggy Bottom, Trouble in France…

French hand gesture, the quenelle, looks like Dr. Strangelove trying to keep arm from giving Nazi salute. Invented by French comedian Dieudonne, has anti-Semitic connotation, is used by disaffected young Muslim immigrants and xenophobic far-right National Front. France considering a ban. Would urge Secretary of State John Kerry to make strong statement about freedom of expression, but Dieudonne sucks even by French comedian standards and France not considering ban on hand gestures made at me when I drive in Paris.

President Francois Hollande absolutely, categorically denies that he did not have an affair: “Such a failing on my part would sully the honor of France!”

Trouble in Pakistan…

Drone attacks on Taliban have strained U.S. ties with Pakistan. Taliban attacks on people attempting to give polio inoculations to children have killed more than 30 Pakistanis. Secretary of State John Kerry sees once-in-a-lifetime foreign policy twofer opportunity: Predators carrying Hellfire missiles and Sabin vaccine.

Trouble in Jerusalem…

Israeli defense minister calls Secretary of State John Kerry’s Mideast peace efforts naive and “messianic.” Surely an error in translation. The word in Hebrew is meshugganah.

Trouble in Africa…

After long civil war in Sudan, U.S. pushed for independence of South Sudan, which is now having civil war of its own. Secretary of State John Kerry pondering U.S. push for independence of South South Sudan and South South South Sudan.

Trouble in…  Wherever…

Secretary of State John Kerry offers free Philly cheesesteak with Swiss, and a glass of Perrier, to anyone who can explain what the heck is going on in Thailand.

Kerry may act like a doof in public, but colleagues say when you get him alone, all by himself, “He’s the smartest man in the room.”

Republicans Maybe Not That Stupid After All…

Dems so frightened of Chris Christie ’16 candidacy they try to turn NJ George Washington Bridge traffic jam into a major scandal. Will be an interesting presidential candidate debate.

      Hillary Clinton: “I take full responsibility, Benghazi happened on my watch.”

      Chris Christie: “I take full responsibility, traffic was terrible on my watch.”

Super PAC Ready for Hillary has raised $4 million. Clinton maintains firm hold on No. 2 position in 2016 Dem presidential nomination race. Frontrunner being so far ahead we don’t know who it is.

No, Gov. Christie was not standing on GW Bridge personally blocking three lanes of traffic. Thoughts like that are insensitive.

Trouble at Home…  

Recent CNBC website hed: “New York is running out of luxury condos.” How could a thing like this happen in America?  And Obama administration promised FEMA reform.

Random Winter Doldrums Query…

Why is there no Jimmy Buffett album called Tequila Mocking Bird?