The March to War
03.07.14 9:07 PM ET
Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus Kiss, Break Up, Make Up
Katy Perry kissed a girl, and she feels really meh about it. On the off chance you don’t have a Google alert set up for cheap publicity stunts, the aforementioned kiss occurred back in February, when Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus made out at Cyrus's concert. A careful re-watching of the kiss (aka celebrity journalism at its finest), reveals that it was more of an uncomfortable truth or dare peck than a full on make out sesh.
But, lesbihonest, it definitely looks like a snubbed Miley was trying for some tongue. Poor Miley—as if being consistently out-badassed by Justin Bieber wasn’t already embarrassing enough.
Even though "I Kissed a Girl" launched Katy Perry's career, the celeb has had a decidedly reticent reaction to exploring her Sapphic side. On Tuesday, Perry went on the Australian morning show "Sunrise" and discussed Cyrus’s attempt to score the best of both worlds: “She has this one part where it's like a kiss cam, and I just walked up to her to give her like a friendly girly kiss, you know, as us girls do, and then she like, tried to move her head and go deeper and I pulled away. God knows where that tongue has been. We don't know! That tongue is so infamous!”
Katy Perry as a squeamish conservative is a little hard to swallow. While it’s easy to look comparatively modest next to a singer who evoked the heartbreak of a transformational love by straddling a piece of construction equipment, people in whip cream bras really shouldn't throw stones.
Naturally, you can’t just insult the national treasure that is Miley Cyrus’s tongue and expect to get away with it. The ensuing girl on girl feud was as public and uncomfortable as the smooch itself, with Miley firing back with a dig at Perry and her “ex boo.” While we're still waiting on forensics, experts unanimously agree that Miley is referring to Perry’s ex John Mayer, who’s arguably more famous for his sex life than his acoustic stylings. What Cyrus’s tweet lacks in subtlety it makes up for in emojis and SCREAMY capital letters.
The Miley tweet marked the peak of the hostilities, ushering in a social media silence between the two feuding celebs. The Cold War-esque standoff was, like, super awkward. Luckily, tensions broke approximately an hour and three minutes later, when Miley offered Perry an emoji-laden olive branch of tweet-peace.
Katy promptly responded, threatening to give Cyrus the “BIGGEST spanking” the next time she saw her. It might not be most dignified peace treaty of all time, but it should keep tensions at bay. That is unless Katy Perry starts making out with Liam Hemsworth—in which case, expect NATO intervention.