Green Eggs And Palin

03.08.14

Sarah Palin Rewrites Dr. Seuss

As the last speaker at CPAC, former reality television star Sarah Palin read a bedtime story to attendees at the conservative conference

Former reality television star Sarah Palin used the stage at CPAC to deliver a scattered, rambling speech which included her sequel to the Dr. Seuss classic, "Green Eggs and Ham."

The episode began when Palin, who finished 13th in the presidential straw poll at CPAC with 2% of the vote, thanked the state of Texas for producing Senator Ted Cruz. "Texas, thank you!" She roared to the packed crowd. "Thank you, Texas, because liberty needs a Congress on Cruz-control."

Palin took out a copy of "Green Eggs and Ham," reminding the audience of Sen. Cruz's famous reading on the House floor during the government shutdown debate. "Little Trig, lucky little fella," she said. "His bedtime story goes something like this." She paused and smiled knowingly.

I do not like this, Uncle Sam.
I do not like this healthcare scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks
Or how they lie and cook the books
I do not like when Congress steals
I do not like their crony deals
I do not like 'oh yes, we can'
I do not like this spending spree
We're smart, we know nothing's free
I do not like reporters' smug replies
When I complain about their lies
I do not like this kind of hope
And we won't take it
Nope, nope, nope!

The crowd -- already standing room only -- rose to applaud her bedtime tale.

But Palin didn't just read a story. She used her speech to say a lot of things, all at once, in no particular order and rarely making very much sense.

First, she warned young people that in Washington, D.C. they are known as "Obamacare suckas."

She pivoted to slam the "lame stream media," hitting the "sock puppets" on "MS-LSD" for their biased coverage. "The play is always the same," she said later in her speech, when she returned to the same topic suddenly. "Someone on the right says something that's not 'politically correct' -- their goal is to shut up anyone who doesn't toe the line." She added, "buck up or stay in the truck, that's how we grew up."

Palin again hit the president. "'Hope and change' became 'no you can't. No you can't log onto the website. No you can't keep your healthcare." No you can't, Palin joked, make a phone call "without Michelle Obama knowing" how often you call to order pizza. Palin warned conservatives that there is no free ride in America, and also, "there's no free phone. There's no free Fritos." Someone always pays, she said, "and if you don't know who that someone is, it's probably you."

Palin applauded Americans for not "going along" with President Obama. "It's like y'all went rogue!"

Then, she brought up the 2010 midterm elections. "You know that 2010 election victory that swept you into power? You didn't build that, the Tea Party did!" Palin said Democrats should "dance with the one that brought you. You want another sweep? Then grab a broom and meet us at the party!" She did not explain this statement in further detail

After hitting Obama on foreign policy, Palin decided to play I-told-you-so. "I'm probably being too hard on the president," she smirked. "After all, who could've seen this coming?"

The crowd again rose to cheer her.

The rest of the speech was a blur of catchphrases like "donkeys just graze. Only momma grizzly's can say 'hear me roar!'" and "stop apologizing and start evangelizing!"

Palin, the 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee who resigned as Governor of Alaska halfway through her first term, is appearing at CPAC just before the premiere of her new television show, "Amazing America With Sarah Palin" which will be airing on the "Sportsman Channel," which markets itself as being "Red, Wild & Blue".