03.12.14 6:59 PM ET
Marry, Screw, Kill: Lindsay Lohan Sex List Scandal Edition
Of course Lindsay Lohan has allegedly had sex with a bunch of A-listers. Of course she and her friends giggle and gossip about these alleged conquests in extremely public venues, and even go so far as to pen a definitive list on what appears to be a Scattergories answer sheet. (Again, this is all ALLEGED, people.) None of these aspects of the leaked Lindsay Lohan sex list are particularly surprising. What's truly shocking is the range in quality of celebs Lindsay's “had sex with.”
These men run the gamut from un-talented D-listers to superstars; we're surprised that Lindsay even knows who Ryan Rottman is, let alone that she took time out of her busy schedule to sleep with him. If this list is true, Lohan doesn’t discriminate based on age, length of hair, or even attractiveness. She does, however, seem to discriminate a little based on race. Hey, no one's perfect.
Given the shocking disparities between Lohan’s alleged conquests, we figured that this random group of celebs would be a perfect sample for a classic game of “Marry, Screw, Kill: Lindsay Lohan sex list scandal edition.” It's no Scattergories, but hell if it isn't a good time.
PC Valmorbida, James Franco, Jamie Dornan
Marry: James Franco. Franco and Lohan are such a perfect love connection, we’re surprised they haven't eloped and started popping out oddly named babies already (Lavo Yale Apatow Franco-Lohan, anyone?). They were both beloved, beautiful child stars that have matured into cult figures. They've both experimented with drugs, indie films, and insanity. The blessed Franco-Lohan union is practically destined for domestic bliss. Can't you just see it now: Lohan whipping up her famous “full glass of vodka” at dinner time, Franco showing baby Lavo his first gay porno, and the happy couple spending hours together cuddling in the warm glow of their MacBook, writing lengthy essays on why The Canyons and Your Highness were the most underrated films in cinematic history.
Screw: Jamie Dornan. Because the hands-down coolest thing about being Lindsay Lohan is that you get to casually have sex with the guy from Fifty Shades of Grey, aka the guy who millions of women are about to fork over tons of cash to watch have sex. “Christian Grey? Eh, been there, done that.”
Kill: PC Valmorbida. We started you off with an easy one—this guy isn't even famous! Sure, the LA-based gallery owner has a stable career, and knows a lot about art. But James Franco also “knows a lot about art,” plus he has thousands of followers on Instagram. When it comes to a Lohan-centric game of marry, screw, kill, you have to choose the A-listers over the randos—that's just, like, the rules of feminism!
Joaquin Phoenix, Zac Efron, Wilmer Valderrama
Marry: Joaquin Phoenix. Much like Lohan and Franco, Lohan and Joaquin have a definite love connection. Lohan, Phoenix, and Franco are all former child stars that are varying degrees of unhinged (sensing some serious throuple potential here). Plus, Joaquin spent the entirety of his last film falling in love with a flighty blonde who's tied to an technological device. Sure, Her is about an artificially intelligent operating system, not a celeb that's bound to her electronic ankle monitor, but the point still stands.
Screw: Zac Efron. Efron might be young, but he's not in high school any more. Plus, everyone thought Lindsay Lohan was all baby-faced and innocent too before she started writing sex lists in the lobby of the Beverly Hills Hotel!
Kill: Wilmer Valderrama. Yo, Wilmer Valderrama’s so D-list, he's practically irrelevant. If you don't understand that reference, don't feel bad: it's just proving our point.
Adam Levine, Guy Berryman, Justin Timberlake
Marry: Adam Levine. In this battle between sexy musicians, Levine easily takes the cake. The Maroon 5 front man has those smoking pelvic muscles that make the ladies swoon, combined with a Semitic face your mom and rabbi can get behind. It's like combining the raw sensuality of a gorgeous global pop star with the comforting familiarity of a guy you could've gone to Jewish sleep away camp with. And who doesn't love The Voice.
Screw: Guy Berryman. We've probably never said it before, but we'll say it again: bassists are sexy. A bassist's main job is to keep the rest of the band on track. That means they’re responsible, aware of their surroundings, and punctual, all amazing qualities in a lover. A bassist would never ask you to rendezvous at a nice hotel room, only to show up 40 minutes late with Seth Rogen and a copy of his latest dissertation (looking at you, Franco). Plus, Guy Berryman isn't just a bassist; he's Coldplay's bassist. And you know what that means—a really sensual love making playlist, plus unlimited Gwyneth Paltrow-approved, strength replenishing bowls of fancy quinoa.
Kill: Justin Timberlake. Yes, Justin Timberlake is talented, sexy, and famous. But he's also totally married to the equally talented and sexy Jessica Biel. While we don't know when Timberlake and Lohan allegedly got together, one thing's for sure: infidelity is almost as bad a look as matching denim. Unlike his falsetto and his "cool dad" penchant for fedoras, this rumored affair is just so not cute.