World News

03.27.14

Beseech Your Children Well With Plot-Spoilers

A teacher in Belgium has just taught learning institutions how to spare children the rod…by spoiler-alerting them to behave.

According to the Belgium newspaper, Nieuwsblad, (which is Dutch for “current events printed on thin sheets of wood for your reading pleasure”) a local professor has taken quieting a classroom to exciting new levels.

“My math teacher is a genius,” reports an unnamed student. “Basically there was a lot of noise in the room and on several occasions the teacher asked us to keep quiet.

“At one point he became tired,” he continues, “and asked the classroom who was watching Game of Thrones and three quarters of the room put their hands up. He said, ‘well I have read all the books and from now on when there is too much noise I will write the name of the next death’.”

After the snitch scribbled down several of the series’ many, untimely demises the room became as quiet as a slaughtered Stark.

In support of sadist scholars the country over, The Daily Beast has comprised a list of don’t-ruin-the-ending, young-adult lit threats that should aid even the most put-upon of professors.

And then we compiled some birth control. God, kids suck.  

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
 
The plot:
Katniss Everdeen (the top-heavy Jennifer Lawrence) and Peeta Mellark (the fop-heavy Josh Hutcherson) become the bullseye of the Capitol after their victory in the 74th Hunger Games sparks a rebellion in the Districts of Panem. (And, yes, that DOES sound like the ramblings of a D&D loving adolescent who just consumed his first pot brownie.) 
The reveal: Katniss awakens in an airplane to see head Gamemaker Plutarch Heavensbee, who announces that he, himself is a rebel, (i.e., a friend in a future full of foes, people).
 
The reaction: This twist is all rather problematic for producers of the third installment considering that the recently departed Phillip Seymour Hoffman played Plutarch. (Definitely mention that sad fact if you’re looking to really make your class cry.)

Divergent
 
The plot: Set in a dystopian Chicago (so the present, then?) that sorts its citizens into groups based on whether someone is kind (Amity), honest (Candor), intellectual (Erudite), generous (Abnegation), brave (Dauntless) or premenstrual (Cramp Island). Unfortunately Tris Prior—the pretty protagonist played by the milquetoasty Shailene Woodley—haaaaates labels, ya’ll. Mostly ’cause she’s all of the above, ( i.e., “divergent”, people-who-don’t-read-movie-titles).
 
The reveal: Tris is saved from a watery death by her mom—who reveals that she’s totally a little dirv-dirv, herself (cool-speak for “divergent”), only to watch her die (along with her papa who’s always preaching) at the very end.
 
The reaction: Any and all misbehaving mean girls that liked Twilight will loathe you for revealing the end to this knock-off of a series that began with a $56 million weekend at the box office. Although, smart students will no doubt see every twist coming. Author Veronica Roth was only 22 years old when she began writing the novels and…OMG, guuuys, you can totes tell.

Ender’s Game
 
The plot:
The 1985 sci-fi book turned 2013 summer release (featuring Harrison Ford, sans his pierced lobe, because in space…nobody can stand your midlife crisis earring) takes place in the distant future, and focuses on a young Command School cadet named Andrew “Ender” Wiggin who turns out to be humanity’s last best hope against an alien invasion. 
The reveal: Ender’s game was anything but, well, a game, and many humans actually died during the so-called simulation he thought he was “playing.”
 
The reaction: Apart from an errant gulp or two from a zitty Model UN member, don’t expect much of a result. The book came out 30 years ago, and the film was an even bigger flop than that after-school Scrabble club you tried to start.