That ‘90s Actor

04.09.14

Why Women Want Hollywood Lothario Wilmer Valderrama

Yo Wilmer Valderrama’s so culturally irrelevant, the commodification of his young girlfriend's body has nudged him and his playboy ways back into the current celebrity conversation.

In the real world, it’s hard for an under-employed 34-year-old who wears Drakkar Noir and rocks a soul patch to cop so much as a Tinder match. So what's going on with Wilmer Valderrama? The former That ‘70s Show star and current Hollywood lothario must be doing something right—in between shooting cult-classics like From Prada to Nada and voicing the cartoon character Manny on Handy Manny, he's managed to date some of the hottest women in the business.

Just this week, several alleged photos of Wilmer and his current 21-year-old girlfriend, Demi Lovato, found their way on to the World Wide Web. In addition to potentially embarrassing Lovato, these pictures nudged Valderrama and his playboy ways back into the public spotlight. Yo Wilmer Valderrama's so culturally irrelevant, he relies on the commodification of his young girlfriend's body in order to re-enter the current celebrity conversation!

While we patiently wait for an NSA whistleblower to reveal the identity of the sick individual who leaked these pictures, it's time to finally unpack the appeal of Mr. Valderrama.

Wilmer skyrocketed to fame along with the rest of the young cast of That ‘70s Show in the early aughts. His hapless, foreign Fez quickly became a fan favorite. From 1998 to 2006, Valderrama's role on the beloved sitcom also granted him access to a bevy of available starlets. His list of rumored romantic partners boasts beautiful ex-bad girls like Mischa Barton, Lindsay Lohan, and Ashlee Simpson. It makes sense that these pretty young things would be feelin’ the Fez—but what's behind Valderrama's continued appeal, which seems to have outlasted his onscreen success? Besides releasing the hilariously titled track and music video "The Way I Fiesta" in 2011, Valderrama hasn't done any significant acting work since he hosted MTV's Yo Momma. Which means that for Wilmer Valderrama, hosting an MTV reality competition centered around yo momma jokes constitutes serious work.

Valderrama's modest career is in direct contrast to his flagrant lack of modesty. Way back in 2006, Valderrama raised (lowered?) the bar for Howard Stern celebrity tell-alls, giving one of the tackiest interviews of all time. In a matter of minutes, he gave a shameless, amped up account of his various Hollywood conquests. He started by insisting that he took ex-girlfriend Mandy Moore's virginity, adding insult to injury by noting, "The sex with Mandy was good, but it wasn't like warm apple pie." Ew? He then went on to give Jennifer Love Hewitt a sex rating of eight on a scale of one to ten (re: ew), and to call Ashlee Simpson "a screamer." He finished this tour de force interview by insisting that Lindsay Lohan was a big fan of waxing, and did not in fact have breast implants. Nothing but class.

“The sex with Mandy was good, but it wasn't like warm apple pie.”

So other than a stunted television career and a big mouth, what does Wilmer Valderrama have going for him? Personality-wise, not so much. Valderrama's current Twitter bio reads "Self discovery is my hobby…Changing the world my daily task." Sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth. To get a fuller read on Valderrama's charm, style, and wit, one need only revisit his episode of MTV Cribs. In this timeless episode, Valderrama ushers the cameraman through his four-bedroom Los Angeles home, which looks like a half way house occupied by That ‘70s Show-obsessed junkies. The living room is inexplicably empty, boasting only a blonde woman lounging on a bare floor mattress. And the jokes just keep on coming!

Valderrama shows off a china cupboard full of red Solo cups, because he is "funny" and "hip." He describes his bedroom vibe as an "old church," because he somehow thinks that's less tacky than introducing it as "where the magic happens." But the high point of this journey obviously takes place in Wilmer's bathroom, where we learn that the Fez exclusively favors Drakkar Noir, the preferred cologne of Jersey Shore extras and ‘80s Bar Mitzvah motivational dancers. He justifies this controversial predilection by explaining, "Drakkar reminds me of me, and I love me."

Despite his obvious eccentricities and general aura of grossness, Wilmer Valderrama has somehow convinced a bunch of beautiful women to fall in love with him, and he doesn't show signs of stopping any time soon. It turns out the only explanation might just be the most obvious one. On that same infamous Howard Stern interview, Valderrama proudly proclaimed that he's "been blessed" in the below the belt endowment category. As crass as it may be, we've got to attribute some degree of Valderrama's romantic success to what Gawker described as his "Venezuelan man-trophy."