Sex And Revolution

05.08.14

Dear Putin’s Enemies: You Just Need a Good F*ck

Pussy Riot, street protesters, and the proletariat all just need a robust roll in the hay to get over their political grievances, according to one Russian diplomat.

In an email recently obtained by Buzzfeed, an unnamed senior Russian diplomat confided about the political powers of his penis to a U.S. official specializing in Russian human rights. The email was sent in 2012, when Pussy Riot was awaiting trial for their anti-Putin protest at an Orthodox church.

“Generally, I am of the opinion that those pussies are simply not happy in their sexual life. And that makes them riot. They simply need a good f*ck,” the diplomat wrote, lamenting the limits of Russia’s justice system. “Unfortunately we don’t have such capital punishment in our criminal law.”

It’s a common trope embraced by those who believe that women resisting traditional gender mores would be more sensible if they submitted to the almighty phallus. Lesbians, for example, just need a good f*ck. Women agitating for equal rights? Give them a good buggering instead. Russia’s balaclava-clad rioters protesting Putin’s authoritarian regime? An intimate encounter with this unnamed diplomat would set them straight. His magical penis would penetrate the political cortex of a Pussy Rioter, molding her beliefs to match those of Russia’s ruling patriarchy.

In another email exchange, from 2013, the diplomat extended the “just needs a good f*ck” trope to the Stalinist era, wistfully recalling how the “Russian state was at its highest” under his dictatorship. “Yes he kinda f*cked Russia, but Russian soul is feminine by it’s [sic] nature.”

His magical penis would penetrate the political cortex of a Pussy Rioter, molding her beliefs to match those of Russia’s ruling patriarchy.

“I believe we need to step back and look at [Stalin] in a longer perspective, like the French did with Napoleon,” the diplomat mused. “It’s complicated, like so many things in Russian history.” (What a romantic line to rival Anna Karenina.)

You see, the murderous Soviet strongman was a great leader because he perforated Russia’s feminine soul, which was inherently weak and in desperate need of reform. Sure, Stalin left a trail of dead bodies in his wake. But he deserves credit for laying the foundation of Russia’s modern patriarchal state, which has no patience for rioting pussies, or anyone else who resists Putin’s expansive masculine nationalism. Apparently all Crimea needs is a good f*ck, too.