Entertainment

06.21.14

Threesomes are Actually a Terrible Idea

Sometimes threesomes can get—gasp—boring. What if you finish in minutes and your bedmates go on for an hour? Guys, life isn’t an XXX-film.

In porn, you can have sex with two people at the same time and there's no drama, insecurity, or jealousy. A threesome is a well-balanced and seamless act where everyone climaxes, gets paid, and leaves satisfied. That's hardly the reality in the average couple’s bedroom.

The threesome, you see, is something rarely (openly) desired by women. Yet, this seems to be a very common fantasy among the males I’ve encountered. Nearly every man I know has imagined himself between two women lavishing him with sexual favors. But the few men I know that have been “lucky” enough to find themselves fulfilling this fantasy have little interest in repeating the experience. What could have gone so terribly wrong? 

The reality is some fantasies are better in your head than in practice. English soccer star Wayne Rooney may have paid £1,000 to have a threesome with a prostitute—he was busted, then shamed. Then there’s that famous scene in Wild Things­—but we all know how that movie ends. And in the last season of Mad Men Don goes to California where he's (surprise) seduced by his wife and her friend. Even though it was his wife's idea, the heat of the moment wasn't worth the awkward morning after. 

So for a threesome to really succeed, you must find the right partner (or partners). You should let your mate pick, or at least make sure the woman you choose it out is not hotter than your partner. Then there are logistics. It's confusing. How do you divide your attention between two women at once? You can't. Instead of being in the moment, you’ll be analyzing how much attention you've specifically paid to both partners. It’s never even. Sounding fun yet? (Reminder, if you don’t prioritize your mate, there will probably be hell to pay later.)

What if when you try to join in they ignore you, or swat you away? Now you feel left out because, well, you are.

Pleasing two women at once can be exhausting, unless you're a porn star. In that case, it's a job skill. You might exhaust yourself trying to please them both which is more work than you realize. Less fun for you.  XXX flicks make it look easy, but those in your bed may not be as accommodating as a paid professional. In porn, there is a director on set giving instructions to keep the girls in tandem and the sex looking hot. In real life, two women don’t always work well together.

And that’s just it: What you discuss over the kitchen table about how the threesome will go is far cry from how it will feel when it happens. Threesomes have a way of becoming imbalanced and one person can quickly become a third wheel.

One woman might even—gasp—get bored. There I said it. Sometimes threesomes can be boring. They can run longer than an hour, and someone in your party might be satisfied after twenty minutes and ready to do something else. What will you do when you realize that the two women you're with don't have matching libidos? What if it’s your mate who’s done early?

Guys, did it ever cross your mind that this threesome might not be about you? After spending a little time pleasuring you, the women you thought would fulfill your wildest dreams might begin to explore each other. At first this is integral to the fantasy; it's visually stimulating. Two naked women having sex in front of you. Wow. But what if when you try to join in they ignore you, or swat you away? Now you feel left out because, well, you are. Not quite what you had in mind.

After the sheets are adequately ruffled and clothes are picked up off the floor, you have to face your partner and reassure her that it was just sex. Fun, meaningless sex. But was that a jealous glint in your lover’s eye? Maybe she wasn't as pleased as you were. Or is she questioning your sexual compatibility? Now you'll relive the threesome for weeks to come, but not in the way you'd imagined—agonizing over every detail and wondering if you did something wrong that will come back to haunt you.

As sex therapist Dr. Jaime Cohen says, "a threesome can make some question themselves and their ability to please their partner especially when they see someone else please their partner more." Trust can be broken when things don't go according to plan. "Many times there are all these 'what ifs' that don't get reached when couples feel like they've ironed out the details,” Cohen says. “So when they happen in the moment it causes emotional turmoil. Then they start to get really frustrated or angry, so you end up with a circumstance that should be intimate and enjoyable but turns out to be emotionally tumultuous."

Obviously a ménage à trois can also happen between two men and a woman. And don't worry guys, having an alternate fantasy wouldn't make you less macho. It's just sex right? That's what porn says. In real life though, you have to think about what happens after sex, when it’s just the three of you in bed. Fantasies don't make it that far.