Politics

07.07.14

Getting to Know the ‘Beyoncé Voter’

Yes, Fox News. When we’re not doing rails of ground-up contraceptives and waiting for the federal government to text, here’s what this nation of All the Single Ladies is really up to.

Fox News, which always has its thumb so squarely on the pulse of what The Youngs are up to, figured out why the Hobby Lobby ruling has caused such a flap. No, not because it’s deeply unsettling that a corporation can impose a religious, unscientific belief on its employees. It’s because there are lonely ladies whose bitter singleness has calcified and become malignant.

“I call them the Beyoncé voters, the single ladies. Obama won the single ladies by 76 percent last time, and they made up about a quarter of the electorate. You know, they depend on government because they’re not depending on their husbands,” said contributor and noted Lady Expert Jesse Watters. “They need things like contraception, health care, and they love to talk about equal pay.”

To be fair, this is one of the least-insulting comparisons Watters could have made. Beyoncé is to women under 40 as tiny flag pins and Ronald Reagan are to conservatives. Near-universally popular, and if you don’t like it, well, you’d better keep that to yourself.

So Watters has me—and all of us!—on this one. Or one-quarter of the American electorate, at least. For those of you who aren’t Beyoncé voters, I’d like to give you a peek into our world. Every word of the following applies to one-quarter of the American electorate. We are a monolithic block, each and every one dedicated to premarital sex, hedonism, socialism, white wine, and tweeting about misogyny.

We are unmarried. Since we have no husbands, we have been dropping constant hints to the federal government that it’s about time we tied the knot so that Dream Wedding Pinterest board can finally be used. Sadly, the federal government has stopped texting us back, but we’re hoping it’s just because the federal government is sick or busy with his mom or something.

We yowl day and night about unequal pay. “Seven cents for every dollar,” we screech sleepily as we wake up alone every morning, our one-night-stand having beat a hasty exit at 3:45 a.m. “I am Leaning In and crushing the patriarchy,” we reassure ourselves while feeding the cat. “Lilly… Ledbetter…” we whisper to ourselves as we frown at men.

This, of course, stops when we’re too busy crushing and snorting all the oral contraceptives we can squeeze out of hardworking American taxpayers. Instead of a $100 bill, which we do not have because we’re female and voted for Obama, we use IUD applicators. We call this “Womyning,”and if you have a mouthy teenage daughter, she is probably doing it, too.

When out and about, if we feel threatened, as we always do, we tilt our heads back and cry out, “ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!” This summons all the proximate Beyoncé voters, as we reply in a full-throated roar, “ALLLLLL THE SINGLE LAAAAADIES!” Each of us cries a single-lady tear as we remember our collective misfortune, but then we either sacrifice a good Christian woman or get some fro-yo to cheer ourselves up.

There are so many Dark Truths about our lives, but the darkest and the truthiest is this: We make all decisions based on our wicked uteruses. You see, some uteri are virtuous and true. They perform as God made them to, diligently pumping out future patriots at 13-month intervals. Other uteri, tainted by low, regular doses of progesterone and/or witchcraft, become evil. They wander about our bodies, wrap themselves around our brains, making us… oh, what’s that word? For a super unreasonable woman, upset about nothing? Ah, yes, hysterical.

I will leave you with the holiest of Beyoncé voter scripture, which we chant five times per day while facing toward Hillary Clinton. It is the teaching of our guiding lights, St. Ruth Bader Ginsburg and St. Bey:

“Hobby Lobby and Conestoga surely do not stand alone as commercial enterprises seeking exemptions from generally applicable laws on the basis of their religious beliefs/ See, e.g., Newman v. Piggie Park Enterprises Inc., owner of a  restaurant chain that refused to serve black patrons based on his religious beliefs opposing racial integration ….” I woke up like this “…Any decision to use contraceptives made by a woman covered under Hobby Lobby’s or Conestoga’s plan will not be propelled by the government, it will be the woman’s autonomous choice, informed by the physician she consults… SURFBOART.”