‘What's Up, Bitch?’
07.30.14 6:25 PM ET
An Unlikely Hero Blooms in Ibiza: Orlando Bloom Sort of Punches Justin Bieber
One small swing for a washed up former heartthrob, one giant victory for mankind.
In the early hours of Wednesday morning, Orlando Bloom valiantly succeeded where the Miami police force, the Canadian government, and the Obama administration have previously failed, managing to finally hold Justin Bieber accountable and punish him accordingly. Kind of.
On this fateful morning, Bloom took a quick break from unsuccessfully playing a 16-year-old in his Broadway production of Romeo and Juliet to successfully act like a hormonal, jealous teen, engaging Justin Bieber in a round of fisticuffs at the Cipriani restaurant in Ibiza (obviously). Bloom hasn’t played a role this convincingly since…well, ever. Plus, it must be a relief to the aging actor that he can still make girls around the world scream and go crazy, without even putting on his Legolas weave. While this Bieber reckoning has been a long time coming, the fact the Bloom ended up being the man to administer the beating makes this story as strange and unexpected as it is straight up awesome.
The fight resulted from alleged animosity between the two man children (begging the question, if an epic beef between two increasingly irrelevant celebs is brewing for years and no one even notices, do their publicists still get paid?). Rumors started flying—AKA quietly accumulating in the TMZ archives back in 2012—when Bieber performed at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. At the after party, Biebs apparently put the moves on Bloom's then-wife Miranda Kerr, which we imagine consists of offering her a blunt and requesting a threesome with Heidi Klum. No one knows if Kerr actually succumbed to Bieber's "boyish" "charms," but she and Bloom did end up separating in 2013.
Meanwhile, Bloom was spotted with Bieber's on-again, off-again girlfriend Selena Gomez back in April, sporting the appropriately ashamed expression of a 37-year-old actor caught with a young woman for whom Spring Breakers was considered a more serious and mature role. Whether any of these rumored trysts actually happened is between these two pretty boys and the brunette stick figures that used to love them.
What we do know is this: Bieber reportedly provoked Bloom by asking him "What's up, bitch?" Bloom then proceeded to take a swing at the cherubic 20-year-old, in an extremely mature move befitting a man whose career was built on asserting his masculinity through wearing slightly less eyeliner than Johnny Depp.
Other details are still unclear, with some witnesses reporting that Bieber taunted Bloom by saying, “She was good.” The fight seemed to break up after the failed punch, and Bieber had to leave the restaurant in disgrace. Why won't anyone let Justin Bieber relax and have a good time?! In a laudable effort to never stop being the worst, Bieber took to Instagram post-altercation to post a bikini shot of Kerr, which he deleted shortly after.
Unsurprisingly, Bloom's attack on the artist often known as Joffrey Bieber was a fan favorite. The crowd that accumulated to watch the squabble reportedly applauded and cheered as Bieber fled the scene. It's no purple wedding, but it's still nice to see a little bit of justice served to the most hated Canadian in the rap game.
At the end of the day, Bloom emerges as an unlikely hero: former sexy elf turned Justin Bieber-punching everyman. Here’s to Bloom continuing to do God’s work (in spite of a potential lifetime ban from Cipriani, Ibiza).