INTENSELY GUARDED

We Want It Chunky: Jack White’s Official Guacamole Recipe

Just in time for the Grammys.

02.06.15 10:55 PM ET

It’s Grammy weekend, and you know what that means. Fashion! Friends! Snacks! Booze! Pharrell’s Hat!

But mostly, ‘cause none of us are cool enough to actually be AT the Grammys, snacks. And what better way to root for Jack White to crush Disney metal mavens Paramore and opposingly hued Black Keys and win Best Rock Song than by stuffing your face hole with White’s own, intensely guarded, guacamole recipe?

Yeah, we can’t think of one either.

The recipe leaked after the Oklahoma University Daily newspaper published White’s rider—the list of demands an artist makes of a venue—in their pages. Other fun tidbits include the statement, in bold letters, that this is a “NO BANANA TOUR (seriously).” Not sure what the pale rocker has against potassium, but that’s his business. All geniuses have their quirks, right?

Without further ado, here’s the goods:

8 x large, ripe Haas avocados (cut in half the long way, remove the pit—SAVE THE PIT THOUGH—, and dice into large cubes with a butter knife. 3 or 4 slits down, 3 or 4 across. You’ll scoop out the chunks with a spoon, careful to main the avocado in fairly large chunks.)
4 x vine-ripened tomatoes (diced)
½ x yellow onion (finely chopped)
1 x full bunch cilantro (chopped)
4 x Serrano peppers (de-veined and chopped)
1 x lime
Salt & pepper to taste

Mix all ingredients in a large bowl, careful not to mush the avocados too much. We want it chunky. Once properly mixed and tested, add the pits into the guacamole and even out the top with a spoon or spatula. Add ½ lime to the top later so you cover move of the surface with the juice (The pits and lime will keep it from browning prematurely.) Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until served. Please don’t make it too early before it’s served. We’d love to have it around 5 pm.

Also, make sure you end the night just like White: with a contractually obligated New York strip steak cooked medium, with steamed veggies and NO SAUCE. Dry, baby. Then chase that puppy with a Coke Zero, ‘cause fuck calories!

Wanna see the whole thing? Of course you do. Click here and dig in for all the juicy details, including costs, security measures, stage set up, and more.

One note: if you happen to be a concert promoter, maybe keep this on the down low… White’s agent, the uber powerful William Morris Agency, blacklisted the hapless school after the rider ran. And this is a bummer, since they represent basically every band, ever, from Barry Manilow to Snoop Dogg to Faith No More.