Yahtzee!

Watch the ’80s Ad for Trump the Board Game

‘Because it’s not whether you win or lose, but whether you win.’

07.22.15 3:26 PM ET

The Donald has been blowing hot air for decades now, and whether you love or hate—or love to hate—him, his cultural icon status is hard to deny. Back in the cocaine-and-cash clotted ’80s, even as he mused on whether he could one day be president—“I think I’d have a very good chance. When I do something I like to win”—Trump was endearing himself to Americans by existing at the forefront of conspicuous consumption douchebaggery. Fully merchandising his popularity, he had a best-selling book, a Pepsi endorsement, and even his own board game, as seen in this nostalgia-inducing commercial from 1989, with special guest star Phil Hartman of Saturday Night Live fame:

Effectively a direct ripoff of Monopoly, imagine the classic game put through Google’s Deep Dream and infused with the sort of egomania that only Trump can sustain. The goal is to, naturally, get the most money. “I’m talking about hundreds of millions of dollars,” as he says in the rulebook. Money that is, naturally, embossed with a certain frumpy real-estate-magnate-cum-presidential-hopeful’s smug mug. Arranged around the outside of the board are 18 squares—all closely resembling Trump properties, or properties he had before one of his many bankruptcies. The rules include sage gems on deal-making like: “You cannot lie to another player or intentionally break a promise. Of course, some situations may be open to interpretation.”

The game was, alas, an abysmal failure commercially, and an unopened copy can be had via eBay for less than $10. Yet this didn’t dissuade the billionaire from rebooting it a decade and a half later, with some updates and his Apprentice catchphrase “You’re Fired!” on the front of the box. 

Looking for some ironically kitschy Trump toys but want to make sure you don’t wind up having to actually pay for some horrible board game? Lucky you, there are plenty of options, including Donald Trump talking dolls, teddy bears, and, for the more adventuresome, or devoted, Trump fanatics, a Trump butt plug

Because of course there is.