Justin Bieber Has a Huge Penis! (But Maybe We Shouldn’t Know That.)
There are Justin Bieber nude pics on the Internet. Very nude pics. Completely nude pics. We’ll pause while you google.
The ones you’ll find on most mainstream media outlets are illustrated with a cruel black modesty bar. But uncensored ones exist—don’t act like you don’t know how to find them.
And holy mother of god. Let’s just say we’re finally beginning to understand the source of that Magnum-sized ego. It might get harder to fault Bieber for obnoxiously walking through life with his dick swinging—now that we’ve seen his dick swinging.
Bieber was photographed in the buff while in Bora Bora, where he was vacationing with rumored girlfriend Jayde Pierce. He was casually walking around the deck of his bungalow when paparazzi captured the bleached blond star in all his glory. (And what glory.) From the front. From the back. Hello, Justin Bieber.
It’s not the first time the crisp ocean airs of Polynesian paradise moved the Biebs to a more naturalist spirit. Back in July, Bieber Instagrammed a photo of himself on a boat gazing at Bora Bora’s famous mountain, baring his bottom to the camera. It was beautiful. It was Justin Bieber’s butt! And it was different.
You see, we’re a culture sending mixed messages here.
There are 140-character celebrations being staged all over Twitter. Head to @kpfallon for one of them. After being baited with and subjected to countless links and headlines and tweets and tabloid covers teasing candid nude photos of female celebrities, there was a feeling among those who are attracted to men that perhaps we were owed this.
We’re a community forced to savor every burst seam in the ripped crotch in Lenny Kravitz’s pants and each nanosecond of a blink-and-miss-it Ben Affleck shower scene. It’s not often we’re thrown a bone (heh) like this from the lecherous heteronormative paparazzi.
Any gay man who’s grown up with access to the early years of the Internet has encyclopedic knowledge of every past instance of full-frontal male paparazzi shots. It’s a short encyclopedia: Sting on the beach. Jude Law changing out of his swimsuit. Grainy camera pics of Daniel Radcliffe on Broadway, and, the day we all saw God, Brad Pitt, on vacation (just like Biebs).
Yet the amount of actresses whose boobs we’ve seen because paparazzi caught them sunbathing on a beach or on a yacht or on a hotel chaise lounge is longer than Bieber’s recently debuted cock. (Topical!) Those who prefer to look at naked men are not given much to objectify.
But, honestly, objectification is what it is.
Is there news value in a person being photographed walking around their hotel room naked while on vacation? Nope. None. Not at all. Not even if it’s Justin Bieber.
If vacationing halfway around the world on a bomb-ass overwater bungalow doesn’t give you the sanctity of privacy to do normal things like walk around naked on a bomb-ass overwater bungalow and feel like a motherfucking stud, that’s a travesty. As someone who has done that very thing—a peak motherfucking stud moment in the life of Kevin Fallon—this is a disheartening reality.
And jokes aside, it is a grave invasion of privacy, one that we are excusing because Justin Bieber is a dude.
Arguably, there would be a modicum of outrage if this were a female celebrity who was photographed unsuspectingly while under the guise of privacy. At least a bleating whisper of one. Especially at a time when stars’ personal safety has been compromised by our rapacious desire to breach their right to privacy, intimacy, and their own sexual agency—let’s not forget how horrifying and despicable The Fappening was—it’s problematic that our appetite for such photos is still insatiable.
OK, sure, we’re tweeting about and joking about and marveling over photos of Justin Bieber nude. It’s an instinct to revel in the rare glimpse of the male form. It’s even more of an instinct to do it without feeling a modicum of guilt or shame—this is a guy after all! We haven’t been taught to feel morally corrupt for gratuitously exploiting the privacy of males, and certainly not of Justin Bieber, Prince of Petulance. But the pop star does deserve the right to control the dissemination of images of his body, even if he sometimes is a bit off an asshat.
It’s an extension of an argument that caught fire during The Fappening, in which many actresses were labeled as hypocrites for profiting off hyper-sexual photoshoots and appearing nude in films yet demanding legal action over the hacking of and publishing of their personal nude photos.
Bieber might be flaunting his body these days every chance he gets, including that photo of his own tight bum he sent out this summer, but that doesn’t give anyone the permission to purchase a high-tech telephoto camera lens in order to zoom in on a private space and capture photos of a person vacationing with his girlfriend and then sell them to tabloids.
Sure, these photos are probably worth a crap ton of money, because we’re all perverts at heart and have never met a former child star blossoming into an oversexualized and maybe naked young adult that we didn’t like—and like to fetishize. These stars are guilty of leaning into that fetish, sure. (Hello, Nick Jonas, Selena Gomez, every twentysomething pop star ever.) But they’re owed the innocence of controlling their own nude photos.
So congratulations, Justin Bieber, on your surprisingly large penis. It was a fun 20 minutes sending photos of it to friends and watching their shocked-emoji text reactions roll in. It was fun, and in hindsight, I do feel dirty.
Because we have learned two things today: That Canadian twerp who sang “Baby” is well-endowed. And culture, ourselves included, is littered with hypocrites with double standards as to what’s acceptable when it comes to the sexualization of men versus the sexualization of women.
We will try to be better. We may even delete those photos off our phones. Maybe.