The Half-Hearted Case for Rubio

P.J. O’Rourke tries to figure out why he should support the best of the Republican lot.

12.12.15 5:01 AM ET

I must, I can, I will be positive about Marco Rubio. I’m a Republican. Rubio is the least insane candidate (low bar) with the best chance (faint hope) of actually beating Hillary.

The patients have taken over the GOP psychiatric ward. The shrink is on the couch. The loonies are thoughtfully stroking their chins asking the sane Republican, “Why do you think Barack Hussein Obama, who bows to Mecca five times each day, wasn’t raised by KGB agents in Karjackistan?”

Rubio’s all I’ve got left. Jeb Bush was the Super Bowl Goodyear Blimp of Republican candidates. Then he took his campaign playbook from the John Frankenheimer movie Black Sunday.

Rand Paul seems to be running for president of Galt’s Gulch in Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged.

Chris Christie is stuck in traffic.

John Kasich is polling somewhere to the right of the decimal point in those incommensurable ratios that my Algebra II teacher was talking about before I flunked.

The Nabisco Graham cracker box has more Twitter followers than “Graham Cracker” Lindsey does.

And Republican primary voters don’t know Pataki from Pikachu in Pokemon. Anyway, Republicans aren’t going to nominate an electric Japanese anime rat for president. They’re not that crazy. I think.

(By the way, hat’s off to the Democrats in this election cycle. They may be stupid but they’re not psychotic. They took one look at screwy-kablooey commander of the Vermont Cong Bernie Sanders and said, “Nope, nominate the lying old fishwife.”)

Okay, what’s really great about Marco Rubio is… Don’t rush me…

Marco Rubio is a Washington outsider!

Well, actually, he’s a U. S. Senator. But he’s missed a lot Senate votes, and I assume that was because, during the voting, Rubio was outside Washington. This counts.

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Marco Rubio’s finances are a mess!

Rubio owns houses that he has trouble paying for. We, the American people, own two houses (of Congress) and the White House that we have trouble paying for.

Rubio emptied his retirement account to meet current expenses. This is exactly the way Social Security works.

Rubio bought a boat he couldn’t afford. The U.S. Navy does so all the time.

When it comes to dealing with the federal budget, Rubio has the kind of experience that counts.

Marco Rubio has an impressive legislative record!

Despite being a Washington outsider and missing a lot of Senate votes, Marco Rubio has shown bold leadership introducing vital legislation in Congress:

S.124 A bill to amend the Water Resources Development Act of 1996 to deauthorize the Ten Mile Creek Water Preserve Area Critical Restoration Project in the South Florida Water Management District.

S.1403 Florida Fisheries Improvement Act

S.RES.112 A resolution expressing the sense of the Senate that the Internal Revenue Service should provide printed copies of Internal Revenue Service Publication 17 to taxpayers in the United States free of charge.

To name but a few of the Senate bills, amendments and resolutions bearing Marco Rubio’s name.

Marco Rubio earned his success the old-fashioned American way!

By sucking up to rich people, specifically Florida Gov. Jeb Bush.

Bush advised Rubio on how to present himself to conservative voters, nurtured Rubio’s rise from Miami City Commissioner to Speaker of the House in the Florida state legislature, cultivated wealthy donors on Rubio’s behalf and backed Rubio’s 2010 Senate run.

Then Rubio turned around and kicked Jeb in the nuts. What’s more American than that?

Marco Rubio gets the Latino vote!

In Cuba. If Cuba had political polls, Marco Rubio would be polling far ahead of Raul Castro in the Cuban presidential election, if Cuba had presidential elections.

Marco Rubio gets the youth vote!

As long as we can convince Millennials that Rubio’s suit, tie and local-news-anchor-haircut look is “ironic.”

We’ll also tell the Millennials that Rubio has a full sleeve of tats under his French cuffs.

And that Rubio does anti-abortion rants just to punk Ted Cruz in Iowa.

Plus let’s remind Millennials that Hillary Clinton is such a fossil that she could be Rubio’s mother.

Which… WHOA… gives me a way better idea.

Rubio was born in May 1971. Do the math.

In September 1970, where was Bill Clinton?

Maybe in Miami on Yale Law School’s extra-early Spring Break?

You heard it here first. It’s the kind of news that will get Marco the media attention he needs. He’ll be on all the morning talk shows and Ellen and The View talking about overcoming emotional obstacles in his journey to reach closure with his personal issues and accept himself for who he really is.

Marco Rubio Is Bill Clinton’s Love Child!

Haven’t we all—even the most dark-hearted Republicans among us—longed for a return of Old Bill?

Mrs. Bill just won’t do—any more than Bess Truman, Mamie Eisenhower or Nancy Reagan would have.

No, we want the real deal.

Bill, who could out-fib Ben Carson.

Bill, who knew how to bomb Muslims (even if he was aiming for the Serbs next door).

Bill, who could cause more outrage among stick-in-the-muds with one medium-sized intern than Donald Trump can cause with a whole world of bigotry, xenophobia and hate.

Bill, possessing a nepotism to shame the Bush family as Chelsea runs the monster charitable foundation that will—you watch—grab everything Buffet, Gates and Zuckerburg are giving away.

Bill who didn’t need fishy GOP tax plans to make us rich. In the 1990s we were rich!

Come back, Bill Clinton.

Or send your only begotten son.