Help Fox Ring in 2016 With a Bigot! You Know the One

Kathy Griffin, Tony Bennett, Lady Gaga... ho-friggin’-hum. Ring in 2016 with The Donald. Maybe instead of a ball he’ll drop a Mexican.

12.31.15 5:01 AM ET

Move over Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and CNN’s New Year’s Eve Live with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin, there’s a new tradition kicking off this Dec. 31. It’s Fox News’ Ring in New Year with a bigot! That’s right, Donald J. Trump, the man who is one-stop shopping for all things bigotry, will be joining Fox News live on New Year’s Eve to help count down to 2016.

You may be asking, why would an entertainment program like Fox’s All American New Year’s Eve special invite Trump to join the show? Well, it’s the same reason that so many in the media love Trump: ratings. Keep in mind that last New Year’s Eve, CNN’s dynamic duo of Cooper and Griffin crushed Fox News’ NYE special in the ratings.

So while other TV networks are featuring Carrie Underwood, Tony Bennett, Lady Gaga, and One Direction to attract viewers on New Year’s Eve, Fox News turned to The Donald to help them win the night. Love or hate him, there’s no denying that Trump truly has created a perfect storm of bigoted fans. And I bet he will give Fox a boost in the ratings department given all the groups Trump appeals to.

You have the hardcore anti-Latino immigrant bigots. There are also the Muslim haters. Add to that the misogynist guys who love The Donald. Then there’s those who, like Trump, think it’s fun to mock a person with a disability.

But wait, there’s more! Trump also will deliver the crowd that likes to see Black Lives Matter protesters get beat up by white people. Add to that the peeps who think POW’s deserve to be ridiculed for serving our nation. And, of course, there are the numerous white supremacists swooning over Trump. (Although there’s probably some overlap between the white nationalists and some of the other core Trump supporters.)

You know what, I bet the Klan and white supremacist websites like Stormfront may even cross-promote Trump’s New Year’s Eve appearance to show their appreciation for the bump they have seen in supporters thanks to Trump. That would really be mighty white of them.

But I hope Trump doesn’t let his fan base down. If Trump simply makes small talk with co-hosts Kimberly Guilfoyle and Eric Bolling and then counts us down to 2016, that will be a huge letdown to his fan base. It’s hard enough for his supporters to stay up past 10 p.m. so Trump better put on a good show.

So here are a few ideas for Trump so he doesn’t disappoint his fans on New Year’s Eve. Instead of the typical ball drop maybe Trump can burn a Quran. That would not only cause Trump’s fans to celebrate but also most Fox News viewers given that a Zogby poll released just last week found (unsurprisingly) that people whose primary news source was Fox News hold the most negative views of Muslims when compared to other mainstream media outlets (PDF).

Or maybe in lieu of the ball drop, Trump will drop an undocumented immigrant. Not to the street, of course, but into a waiting vehicle that will speed him or her off to the U.S. border where they will be dumped on the Mexican side, back with their fellow “rapists” and “drug dealers.”

What if the generic New Year’s Eve ball is replaced with a big cross? No—better yet, replace it with a big white cross that looks like it’s on fire. That’s great optics and also sends a message to many in Trump’s base.

Plus, why not add some music? Sure, a barbershop quartet could be fun. What Trump supporter doesn’t like to be reminded of the days when white men dominated entertainment? But how about Trump if gave a huge unexpected treat for many of his fans?! Trump should throw some of his money at the singing sister group Prussian Blue in the hopes he can get them to reunite.

Who is Prussian Blue, you ask? Well, I bet many Trump supporters know. They are the white supremacist evil version of the Olsen twins. As teenagers they would tour the nation signing songs like “Sacrifice,” which is a tribute to Rudolph Hess, Hitler’s deputy Fuhrer. Even former KKK grand wizard David Duke, a man who has publicly praised Trump’s policy proposals, invited Prussian Blue to his events and they drew big crowds!

And, of course, Trump can offer up a Trumpized version of the New Year’s classic “Auld Lang Syne.” Instead of singing about forgiving those who wronged you or taking “a cup of kindness,” Trump will offer up a new version of the song. It can’t be hard to find lyrics that rhyme with Trump’s favorite words like “loser” or “schlonged.”

But who am I to offer suggestions to the master showman Trump? I’m sure he will amaze us come New Year’s Eve. So hang on to your silver hats—or white hoods—because Trump will be ringing in 2016. And it’s going to be “yuge!”