TERRIFIC

03.04.16 3:50 AM ET

Donald Trump Wants You to Know He’s Yuge

Thursday night’s Fox News Republican showdown was just like the Lincoln-Douglas debates—except this time, there were dick jokes from the frontrunner.

Donald Trump, an adult man running to lead the United States of America, bragged about the size of his genitalia on the debate stage on Thursday night.

The trouble started when Marco Rubio joked about the size of Donald Trump’s hands, an insult that—as any 6th-grade prepubescent boy could tell you—is a veiled reference to the supposed size of a man’s penis. And it is an unwritten law of American politics that no man who can become the president of this country can have a small member.

“He is really not that much of a lightweight,” Trump said, retreating from his favorite adjective used to describe “Little Marco.” “And as far as—and I have to say this, I have to say this. He hit my hands. Nobody has ever hit my hands. I have never heard of this. Look at those hands. Are they small hands?”

Trump then lifted his bronzed mitts for the whole world to see, hoping that men would be shocked and women would faint at their mere size. His hands are in fact stubby little monstrosities and the truth is that he’s quite sensitive about them. In 1988, Spy Magazine called him a “Short-Fingered Vulgarian,” which Trump interpreted as a threat to his masculinity. As recently as 2015, the sallow spray-tanned plum would send letters to the original author of said amazing phrase, including an image of his circled hand with these words written in gold Sharpie: “See, not so short!”

But on Thursday night, Trump took his defense a step further—because implying that one’s penis is of adequate size is not enough to be president. You have to go out there and shout it loudly from the hilltops.

“And he referred to my hands, if they are small, something else must be small.” Then he overtly talked about his dick on national television. Stone-faced, Trump looked into the camera and let the world know the truth.

“I guarantee you there’s no problem, I guarantee you,” Trump cooed, smug and proud like a bully after a swirlie.

His campaign has not responded to a request for comment about the size of his manhood.

So it would seem that not only is Trump a liar, a bigot, a misogynist, and a greedy power-hungry manipulator. He also has a fragile masculinity as well.