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Inside Trump’s Make Believe Presidential Addresses

Once upon a time, Donald Trump had a YouTube channel where he would talk about important things like the rise of China, Mike Tyson’s new play, Trump-brand cologne and Batman. Could these be the presidential addresses of the future?

Youtube

From 2011 to 2013, Trump hosted “From The Desk of Donald Trump,” an insipid and terrifying preview of what we could be in for if he becomes president.

Donald Trump sat on a red leather chair, enough papers and tchotchkes piled carelessly around him to look like a scene from Hoarders. To his left, there were books, a gold clock, a coffee mug, a silver Macbook, a small statue of a man swinging a golf club and a plastic cup filled with soda. Behind him, two snow globes and dozens of gold-framed photos—mostly of himself—lined the windowsill.

This is Trump’s Oval Office, high above Manhattan in Trump Tower, and he was preparing to give an official address on a subject of grave importance.

“Lots of people have been asking me to review plays and movies and I think maybe it’s time that I do something, and the first is Mike Tyson.” he said, his elbow leaning on his cluttered desk. “His play is amazing.”

There were 83 installments in all, each between one and five minutes long. In them, Trump pontificated on many of the same themes that have featured prominently in his campaign for the Republican nomination, like China (“killing us”), Obama’s Iran policy (bad) and jobs (we need more of them). But he also addressed more frivolous matters, like Will Smith and the state of the Vanity Fair Oscar Party.

Later in the Mike Tyson episode, he held up a box of his cologne. “As you know we just came out with a fragrance, it’s called ‘Success By Trump,’” he said. “I’d like to say that if you put it on, anything you want will come true. Now, maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not. In some cases it will be true!”

On Dec. 1, 2011, he talked about what he’d learned as a job creator. “The worst employee is a good employee,” he said.

“A bad employee is fine, because you fire that person right away. A great employee is phenomenal—you wanna keep them and cherish them, they’re fantastic. But a good employee, you never sort of fire ’em, but they never lead you to the next level. They just keep their job. They’re sort of too good to be fired but they’re not good enough, you’re never gonna do great.”

“Wow, Clint Eastwood!” he said on Sept. 7, 2012. “He’s been getting absolutely killed by virtually everybody, and they’re wrong.”

In one episode, titled “Lawrence O’Donnell and Rosie O’Donnell,” Trump said, “It’s really interesting, their names are the same. Maybe they should get married, but Rosie just found a new maid and I don’t think she’d find him attractive even if that were the way she goes.”

In another, he reviewed The Dark Knight Rises, which he said was “commonly known as ‘The Batman Movie.’”

“It was really terrific,” he said. “Most importantly, Trump Tower, my building, plays a role.”

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Come January 2017, “From the Desk of Donald Trump” might be coming to us live from Pennsylvania Avenue. What could go wrong?