BUSTED

Jimmy Kimmel: ‘Ted Cruz Masturbates to Pictures of Poor People Without Health Care’

The ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’ host went after the Texas senator over his apparent porn hypocrisy.

Late Monday night, Sen. Ted Cruz’s (R-TX) personal verified Twitter account “liked” a porn tweet.

The tweet, posted by the account @sexuallposts, featured a porn video of a scenario in which a horny stepmother (played by porn actress Cory Chase) pleasures herself in the corner while her stepson has sex with a young woman on his bed nearby. It belongs to an increasingly popular category of hard-core porn dubbed “fauxcest,” concentrating on incest-adjacent scenes.

“Senator Ted Cruz… so last night, his official personal Twitter account ‘liked’—you know, you click ‘like’—a hard-core porn video,” said Jimmy Kimmel. “The video is from a genre known as ‘stepmom porn,’ which is, oh, he’s a family-values guy. Just think: If only he did something this perverted during the campaign, he might be president now.”

The Jimmy Kimmel Live! host dedicated a sizable portion of his opening night monologue Tuesday to the social-media gaffe, noting that it was pretty ironic for Cruz’s account to “like” a porn tweet given how he once passionately argued for a law banning sex toys—one that sought to abolish any device “useful primarily for the stimulation of human-genital organs.” 

“I have to say, I love this stuff. Let’s go through the possibilities of how this could have happened,” offered a smiling Kimmel.

“No. 1: Someone on his staff was browsing porn on Twitter and accidentally liked it. No. 2: His Twitter account was hacked. No. 3: Ted himself was looking at the porn, his wife, Heidi, walked in, and he accidentally hit the “like” button while he was trying to get his pants zipped up. Or, No. 4: Ted lost the presidential election, he’s been bullied by Trump, he didn’t get a Cabinet position, he’s tired of being the uptight religious guy from Texas, and he just said, ‘Screw it, I watch porn in public now. This is who I am.’”

Cruz, for his part, blamed a “staffing issue” on the porn “like,” telling reporters Tuesday, “There are a number of people on the team that have access to the account, and it appears that someone inadvertently hit the ‘like’ button.”

“I really, honestly don’t think it was Ted Cruz,” said Kimmel. “I don’t think Ted Cruz looks at porn. Ted Cruz masturbates to pictures of poor people without health care.”

Kimmel then aired a fake super PAC ad from Cruz’s camp titled “Never Masturbates,” with the voiceover claiming that Cruz, well, you get the picture.