Far Out

08.11.13

Fringe Factor: Gay Love Is Just Like What Ariel Castro Had With His Victims

Ariel Castro’s love is just like same-sex marriage. Obama is racist against white people. Physically fit people don’t need food stamps. Yet another week in far-out theories from our fearless leaders.

American Family Association Host: The Love Between Gay Couples and the Love Ariel Castro Had for His Victims Are Totally the Same

Fox News contributor Sandy Rios and Chicago pastor Erwin Lutzer agreed on Rios’s American Family Association radio show this week that love is no reason to allow gay couples to get married. After all, pedophiles, kidnappers and even rapists probably love their victims for all we know. “A pedophile, I’m sure, says that he loves children—as a matter of fact he does—but you can see how destructive that love is,” said Lutzer, arguing that same-sex marriage is equally as destructive to the institution of marriage. Rios took it a step further, comparing love between same-sex couples to the love Ariel Castro probably had for Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight. “You know, the gentleman that was just sentenced yesterday for holding those women hostage in Ohio, and molesting them for years, and doing terrible things to them…” Rios said. “His defense was that he ‘loved’ his family, he ‘loved’ his child that was born out of one of the rapes that he did of the women. He ‘loved’ and he couldn’t understand. He said, ‘I’m not a monster.’”

Florida: Obama Is Racist Against Whites 

Not only is Rep. Ted Yoho of Florida more than eager to throw his support behind a proposed birther legislation, he’s also on board with the fun new accusation that President Obama’s tax on tanning beds is “racist.” During a Tea Party meeting this week, Yoho boasted about convincing Speaker of the House John Boehner that the tax was racist. “I had an Indian doctor in our office the other day, very dark skin, with two non-dark skin people, and I ask this to him, I said, ‘Have you ever been to a tanning booth?’ and he goes, ‘No, no need,’” Yoho told the Tea Party crowd. “So therefore it’s a racist tax and I thought I might need to get a sun tanning booth so I can come out and say I’ve been disenfranchised because I got taxed because of the color of my skin. As crazy as that sounds, that’s what the left does right. By God, if it works for them, it’ll work for us…”

Oklahoma: Obama Is Totally A Kenyan, But What Can You Do?

Rep. Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma has come out of the closet—as a birther. Unfortunately, while he believes all viable evidence proves Barack Obama probably was born in Kenya and forged his birth certificate so he could run for president, he’s afraid that it’s a little too late to do anything about it now. At a town hall meeting on Thursday, Mullin refused the insistence of a self-proclaimed “Birther Princess” that he take documents from an investigation conducted by Maricopa Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s “Cold Case Posse” that concluded Obama’s birth certificate was a sham. “I believe what you’re saying and I don’t support this president whatsoever,” Mullin explained. “But ma’am, we lost November 6th. We had the opportunity to get another president in there…Who would’ve thought we would ever actually be questioning if we had a natural-born president being president?…Now let’s move on to some other issues. I believe it’s still there, but my God if we didn’t prove it in the first four years, what do you think the chances are now?”

Oklahoma: Physically Fit People With Food Stamps Is Proof of Fraud

Markwayne Mullin was really on a roll Thursday. At the very same town hall meeting where he admitting to being a birther, the Oklahoma representative decried food stamp programs, rife with fraud, arguing that they should be done away with altogether.  How, exactly, does Mullin know about all this food stamp fraud? Because the other day he was at the grocery store and basically everyone there was paying with food stamps which, apparently, is pretty typical. But then he saw a really physically fit couple using food stamps to buy groceries and that was it. “Fraud,” Mullin declared. “Absolutely 100% all it is is fraud…it’s all over the place. And there you go, to the fact that we shouldn’t be supporting those who won’t work. They’re spending their money someplace.” So based on Mullin’s argument, poor people must by definition be fat—otherwise they’re scamming the government.