Not a Baby

08.21.14

Boy Shaves Stash, Gets the Girl: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Forever

Like a caterpillar shedding its cocoon or a sexual predator shedding his creepy, deeply unflattering mustache, Justin Bieber leaves his old self behind.

Ever since Eve urged Adam to sample the forbidden fruit, men have been doing crazy things in the name of love. But not since Helen of Troy became known as the face that launched a thousand ships has one rogue seductress had such a singular impact on the course of humanity. Yes, our long national nightmare is finally over: Selena Gomez has, in one fell swoop, gotten back together with Justin Bieber and inspired him to shave off his mustache.

Aside from ushering in a new age of peace between the United States and Canada, what are the ripple effects of this blessed reunion between an unemployed witch and America's highest young heartthrob? For starters, the washed up celebrities of Ibiza can finally stop sleeping with knives under their yacht-pillows, wracked with nightmares in which Justin Bieber sleeps with their exes and then publicly taunts them at Cipriani.

It appears that Bieber has dodged his last well-deserved drunken punch, and has been inspired by Gomez to keep on (not drag race across!) the straight and narrow.

According to a recent TMZ report titled "Justin Bieber Weekend Long Love-Fest With Selena Gomez," Bieber and Gomez spent all of last weekend in a lust-induced haze, pulling down the shades, popping prescription drugs, prank calling Orlando Bloom and listening to "Love You Like a Love Song" on repeat while helping each other edit their Instagrams. Just kidding!

They did "wholesome things like hiking and hanging out at home." Oh, and last week the dynamic duo reportedly went to church together because, whether he’s asleep in a Brazilian brothel or in your home egging your property, Justin Bieber is always where you least expect him.

But to nab a girlfriend like Selena Gomez, Bieber knew he'd have to do more than just prove that he's totally down to chill both inside and outside. So last night Biebs took to Instagram to shed his unloved, arrogant, Orlando-Bloom taunting past persona once and for all, shaving off the collection of wispy face hairs that had accumulated in his mustache area.

In the haunting video, Bieber whispers "R.I.P. mustache" and, like a caterpillar shedding its cocoon or a sexual predator shedding his creepy, deeply unflattering mustache, leaves his old self behind. Feel free to print out and frame his follow up, clean-faced Instagram, titled "Ur boy got rid of his stash" as a testament to the transformative power of on-again, off-again love.