John Oliver Mocks Donald Trump’s Penis: ‘A Cheeto With the Cheese Dust Rubbed Off’
On his HBO program Last Week Tonight, the British comedian had fun with The Donald’s claim that there’s ‘no problem’ with Little Donald.
For months, John Oliver avoided skewering Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. It was, it seems, beneath him. Then last week, after Trump emerged as the outright GOP frontrunner with a massive Super Tuesday—winning seven states—the saucy Brit unleashed a 20-minute segment deconstructing the Trump mythos, from his dubious wealth to his claim that he didn’t know who ex-Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke is.
Oliver continued his onslaught on Sunday night’s edition of his HBO show Last Week Tonight, weighing in on the dick-measuring contest that was Thursday night’s Republican debate in Detroit.
“We begin with the U.S. election, or the Clowntown Fuck-The-World Shitshow 2016,” said Oliver. “This was a particularly big week for the Republican Party, with Donald Trump winning seven states on Super Tuesday and two more last night. And while yesterday’s wins were a little narrower, it does appear that Republican voters, for the time being, decided not to #MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain.”
“In fact,” he added, “Trump’s opponents spent the week seeming increasingly desperate.”
Oliver then threw to a clip of Florida Sen. Marco Rubio mocking the size of Trump’s hands, implying that meant he had a tiny orange penis—like that of an Oompa Loompa.
“Not surprisingly, Trump hit back hard at his critics with his tiny, hamster-sized fists during Thursday’s debate,” said Oliver.
Yes, Trump, as is his wont, took it upon himself to protest the claim. “Look at those hands, are they small hands?” he said during the debate, raising his tiny little fingers for all to see. “And, he referred to my hands—‘if they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.”
“That’s right,” Oliver remarked, “Donald Trump just talked about his dick during a presidential debate! A dick which I presume looks like a Cheeto with the cheese dust rubbed off. But I’m glad he brought it up, mainly because I now have an excuse to play you something that we didn’t have time to include last week—specifically, an audiobook excerpt from his ex-wife Ivana’s For Love Alone, a barely fictionalized account of their marriage, as read by Morgan Fairchild.”
In 1992, a year after her divorce from Trump—the two had three children together, but the real estate heir carried on a years-long affair with Marla Maples, reportedly sleeping with her while his family was at church services—Ivana released For Love Alone, an outrageous romantic novel about a Czech woman, Katrinka Graham, who marries a filthy rich American entrepreneur in the ’80s. It’s said to be a thinly veiled critique of Ivana’s marriage to The Donald.
“In a moment, they were on the floor, on top of the mink coat, Katrinka’s legs gripping his waist, as he moved deeper and deeper into her,” read Fairchild, narrating the book on tape. “As Adam pulled away from her, his cock fell for a moment into the valley between her legs, leaving a smear of semen on the dark silk. He smiled with satisfaction. ‘Now you have to keep the coat,’ he said.”
Translation: The Trump stand-in, Adam, came all over one of her expensive coats.
“That is horrible,” joked a cackling Oliver, “although whatever you think about that, you can’t say jizzing all over your girlfriend’s clothes is not presidential, OK? You can’t say that.”