A Porn Star’s Letter to Her Unborn Son

I was at the doctor’'s office lying flat on my back with cold jelly on my slight bump of a tummy, hearing a second heartbeat emanate from within me. The sonogram made it real. When I was told it was a boy, my whole life flashed before my eyes. I felt accountable for the choices I’ve made. I have to explain myself to my son one day. Here’s what I’d say:

My Son,

As I write this, you haven’t yet entered the world, not due to be born until mid-December. By the time you read this you will be old enough to browse the Internet, old enough to like girls, and old enough to know the name “Aurora Snow.” I’ve dreaded this day for many years now and my hope is that you find this article before accidentally stumbling upon any pictures or videos that show your mom in a way she never intended for you to see. Let me explain.

Your mom grew up very, very poor. In early 2000, I was going to school at UC Irvine, and although I was a high school honor roll student, scored high on tests, and spent week after week filling out applications, I was still drowning in student loans. Frustrated and feeling my chance at a higher education slipping away, I answered an ad in the Orange County Register newspaper.

The large bold print caught my eye: Girls Nude Modeling—earn $2,000 per day.

I had no shame and needed the money. I knew for certain that I never wanted a family of my own. It was an age before everyone and everything was online, and I truly felt I could hide it from my mom, dad, and brothers. What did I have to lose? I planned to be in it for one year, pay back my student debt, and walk away without ever looking back. It didn't quite work out that way.

The attention made me feel good. The money was incredible. But even with the attention, I never felt pretty. I thought that at any minute they would realize they had made a mistake and ask me to go home and bring the pretty girl onto set. They never did. And that nude modeling job soon led to someone asking me to have sex on camera for money. Even more money. I said yes, and that choice led me down the very eventful and colorful path of adult filmmaking.

For reasons beyond my understanding, they kept asking me to do movies. Soon I was on box covers, posters, and even some mainstream TV shows. Your great grandma was the first to discover your mom’s secret profession (she saw me on a VHS tape at her friend's house), and she quickly informed your grandma and uncles. While they were disappointed with my choices, they never stopped loving me and stuck by me regardless.

Your grandma thought I should do something with my mind and not my body. She worried a lot about me and always hoped I'd find my way out. Though I never spoke about it directly with your uncles, it's always been the elephant in the room. Your grandpa was living in another state, and found out what I was doing when he saw me on the Howard Stern TV show. In retrospect, I was quite thankful I'd been one of the few girls on Stern's show to keep her clothes on. I maintained a sense of modesty when I wasn't on set.

By this point in your life, I hope I’ve taught you the importance of honesty, and so I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve done just about everything imaginable in my adult career and if you dig deep enough you will find things you might think are pretty awful. I can honestly say that I approached adult filmmaking as a job, and, like any job I’ve ever had, I felt it important to do my best. Sometimes doing my job well meant doing pretty gross things. Hopefully you never see that stuff.

Something truly life-altering happened on February 20, 2009. Your Uncle Keith was in a bad motorcycle accident and broke his neck, and his two young sons came into my care. I had no idea what to do with kids, but I was forced to learn as I took care of your cousins for a couple of years while Uncle Keith recovered. During that time, something changed. I felt something powerful happen inside of me as one of my nephews put his arms around me, trusting me with his life and giving me his unconditional love. Suddenly I realized, “Oh crap, I want a family of my own.”

I never believed in love and was scared to death of anything or anyone that could tie me down. I was a free spirit who could pick up and go at a moment's notice, but those feelings faded when I realized what I was missing.

My priorities shifted. I was no longer the girl willing to do anything, instead I became a woman with a goal. I wanted a family, but first I had to find someone to create that family with. Not an easy task either. A dear friend of mine introduced me to a nice Midwestern farm boy who also happened to be in the entertainment field, creating TV shows. He was warm, charming, and very family-oriented.

Even though I wanted out, it’s hard to change after committing a decade of your life to a career, regardless of what that career is. Your Dad recognized the cycle I was caught in and said, “Just push the eject button.” It was advice I was finally ready to hear. For the first time I had both the motivation and courage to leave the business.

Son, I hope this article helps you understand and prevents you from clicking on my XXX video links. The choices we make can change our path forever in a way we might not understand at the time. I made choices that took me down a path that many people frown upon. Despite what I thought then, these are choices I am now explaining to my own child. It all comes down to choices. If I'd known I'd one day change my mind and want a family of my own, I would have made completely different choices. I can't say they would have been better, because every choice I've made has led me to this point and I wouldn't take that back. When you're 18 it's so easy to see the future and know exactly what you do and don't want, but just 10 years later hindsight sneaks up.

So remember when you’re making big choices in life, think far into the future and ask yourself, “can I live with that?” My answer is in this letter, which I hope speaks for itself.

Love,

Mom