Andy Borowitz Peers into 2009

LOL

Updated Apr. 25, 2017 4:25PM EDT / Published Jan. 01, 2009 3:27AM EST

Try Andy Borowitz’s glimpse into the future as he shares his impending Facebook updates. Among the choice entries: Andy is not surprised that Bush texted the Libby pardon during the inauguration; Andy thinks the warden should've checked to see if Blago was hiding an iron file and hacksaw under that hair; Andy wishes former President Bush good luck in rehab; Andy is enjoying Malcolm Gladwell's new book Do: Why Some People Do Some Things and Other People Do Other Things; and Andy is pissed that he bought the new iPhone one week before they cut the price to $29.

Read it at Borowitzreport.com

Trump Promises Troubling ‘Deal’ With Oil Execs: Report

The former president met with a number of big oil giant executives last month, and offered them changes on “the first day” if they raised some serious cash.

Sam Bankman-Fried Has a New Currency of Choice in Prison

The disgraced crypto founder is serving a 25-year sentence for fraud and conspiracy.

Stormy’s Courtroom Outfit Had Great Significance

The jumpsuit she wore on the stand is the same one she donned for a 2021 satirical film in which Donald Trump sells his soul for the presidency.

RFK Jr.’s Signature-Gatherers Trick Folks Into Endorsing Him

Multiple people were asked to support a spate of “independent” or “progressive” candidates, but RFK Jr.’s name was hidden from the list.

Republicans Want More Ammo in Their Fight Against MTG

More and more Republicans have been growing tired of their hardline GOP colleagues who stonewall simple measures and oppose the rules of debate.

Dem Rep Opens Up About Life With ‘Parkinson’s On Steroids’

“I like to think I can be vivacious and fun as a mom, but now it’s hard to communicate and have [my kids] fully understand what I’m saying,” said Rep. Jennifer Wexton.

TikToker Dies of Cancer at 31, Leaves Tearjerking Last Video

Dr. Kimberly Nix started sharing her cancer journey three years ago, when she was diagnosed at the age of 28 in her last year of internal medicine residency.

Barron Trump’s Voice Seemingly Revealed in Mysterious Video

Some users said he sounded like his brother Eric, while others likened him to Cousin Greg from ‘Succesion.’

Andy Borowitz Peers into 2009