Chick-fil-A Is Like Gay Sex: Don’t Knock It Till You Try It

Chick-fil-A is like gay sex: Don’t knock it till you try it.

Not that I’ve actually tried Chick-fil-A, but I’m open-minded enough to not flat-out hate it, especially now that the American people have voted with their mouths and helped Chick-fil-A overtake Kentucky Fried Chicken to become “America’s largest chicken chain.” Wow. Congratulations.

Did you know that “chicken” is also the nickname for a young man seeking the sexual attention of an older man? But I digress…

In 2012, when Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy publicly condemned same-sex marriage, America’s feathers were ruffled. Yes, some conservatives rallied to Chick-fil-A’s defense and flocked toward their fatty fryers in support. But in a country where the strong majority of Americans support marriage equality, the anti-gay stance didn’t time well with Chick-fil-A’s plans to expand. Cathy clucked out an apology. “All of us become more wise as time goes by,” Cathy said. “We sincerely care about all people.” It really looked like Cathy had some egg on his face. I’ve always been skeptical of the sincerity of apologies that contain the word “sincere” but then again, everyone deserves the chance to change his mind.

Also their business practices. Even more meaningful for the health and well-being of America is the fact that Chick-fil-A has introduced more grilled chicken into the company’s menu, plans to only sell antibiotic-free chicken within five years, and is testing how to remove high fructose corn syrup from its dressings and sauces.

My enthusiasm for these healthy moves in the right direction is so sincere that I will refrain from using the word “sincere.” More companies that are inherently invested, by the design of their business models, in making Americans less healthy should sincerely investigate how to make their crappy food a little less crappy. When Martin Luther King talked about the long arc of justice bending and all that, I’m pretty sure this is what he meant.

Of course the irony here is that if Chick-fil-A makes its food less un-healthy, that’s bad news for the anti-gay agenda, since we all know that obesity increases heterosexuality. I can’t prove that with data or anything but just think about it for a second, it makes sense. When you’re svelter you feel more sexy and so suddenly you start exploring your options and you’re more likely to add a whole other half of the population to that exploration! Why not? You look so damn good in those mom jeans now. Plus if you know any gay men, you know exactly what I mean. They’re some mighty judge-y chickens.

Conservatives seem to think the rise of Chick-fil-A is a vindication of the right wing’s recipe for American culture. For example, Breitbart.com boasted: “Despite the fact that Chick-fil-A closes on Sundays, despite that the chain has fewer stores, and despite the major attack on its businesses by left-wing activists, Chick-fil-A has surpassed Kentucky Fried Chicken as the nation's leader for fast food chicken.”

I would like to take this opportunity to remind conservatives that the previous reigning champion in the “largest chicken chain” contest was fronted by a “Colonel” who appeared to turn to cooking chickens after his unfortunate defeat in the War of Northern Aggression so… It’s distinctly possible that all “large chicken chains” trade in a brand of white, Southern-fried conservativism in which the only diversity embraced is in the secret spice mix. I’m just speculating here, though doing so sincerely.

It’s also possible that the rise in Chick-fil-A’s success has less to do with which chain is more conservative or which has more moist breasts and simply that Americans like variety. KFC is old and not expanding. Chick-fil-A is newer and coming to a town near you. We Americans like to try new things. Like gay sex, which is also rising in popularity. Variety, as they say, is the spice of life. And it’s not just a recipe for chicken.