OH, CRAP

Drug Kingpin Pablo Escobar’s Imported Hippos Create Sh*tty Situation

The late kingpin imported four hippos from Africa for his exotic zoo, which have now multiplied to between 60 and 80 and threaten local lakes by over-fertilizing them with dung.

The late Medellin Cartel leader Pablo Escobar’s hippos are causing a mammoth problem in Columbia by defecating and over-fertilizing a local lake. Escobar imported four hippos for his exotic 3,953-acre zoo—which also has ostriches, giraffes, and elephants—but due to unchecked mating and a lack of natural predators, the population has exploded to between 60 and 80 and is forecast to hit 150 by 2030. Most of the semi-aquatic beasts live in Hacienda Napoles lake and they often wander ashore at nightfall. African hippo populations die off in their natural habitat due to droughts and predators, but have been thriving in lush Colombia.