Inside the Absurd $200K Oscar Gift Bag: Vapes, a Trip to Israel, and a ‘Vampire Breast Lift’

“Everyone wins” at this year’s Academy Awards, according to Distinctive Assets, the company in charge of putting together the luxurious gift bags for nominees. So while only a handful of stars will receive Oscars this year, each nominee will go home with a record-setting $200,000 worth of swag.

As the group’s press release announces, the bag this year is “once again a blend of fabulous, fun and functional items meant to thrill and pamper those who may have everything money can buy but still savor the simple joy of a gift.”

So what will likely Oscar losers like Cate Blanchett, Matt Damon, and Jennifer Lawrence be taking home with them as consolation prizes?

• A 10-day, first-class trip to Israel ($55,000)• A year’s worth of unlimited Audi car rentals from Silvercar ($45,000)• A 15-day walking tour of Japan ($45,000)• 3 private training sessions with “celebrity wellness expert” and star of ABC’s My Diet Is Better Than Yours, Jay Cardiello ($1,400)• Ultherapy—a laser skin-tightening procedure courtesy of 740 Park MD ($5,530)• A Lifetime supply of skin creams from Lizora ($31,200)• A Fit Club TV “Ultimate Fitness Package” in a private villa ($6,250)• A Haze Dual V3 Vaporizer valued at $249.99 (At least Leonardo DiCaprio will be happy)

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The most bizarre item on the list clocks in at $1,900 and is something we are apparently referring to as a “Vampire Breast Lift.” What is a Vampire Breast Lift, you ask?

Featured by Cosmopolitan, the new secret “must have” in Hollywood is the Vampire Breast Lift procedure which uses blood-derived growth factors to revive rounder cleavage without implants. Women can now also soften implant scars and irregularities (and restore sensation). Using technology used by plastic surgeons for years to help correct post-mastectomy scarring and to heal wounds, the Vampire Breast Lift procedure uses a woman’s own blood to improve appearance. Designed for zero downtime by Charles Runels, MD - the same physician who invented the Vampire Facelift.

Good to know.

Notably, the bags are only given to nominees in the main acting and directing categories, assuring that the sponsored items will only be given to the most famous people at the ceremony. Don’t think for a second that anyone who spent their life savings on a nominated Best Documentary Short is going home with a $5,000 home spa system.

In this year of #OscarsSoWhite and #FeelTheBern, there is something even more unsavory than usual about this shameless attempt to shower excessive wealth on the excessively wealthy.

When companies feel the need to pay off celebrities who “have everything money can buy,” then really, no one wins.