Ivanka Trump Wants Us All To Know She’s Having Fun in Miami, Damn It

If you spent your weekend trying to escape our hellish reality by hiding under a comforter, screaming into a pillow, or seeing how many Girl Scout cookies you can fit into your mouth at once, brace yourself: Ivanka Trump loves her new oceanfront Miami life.

Since the day her father left office, Ivanka has self-imposed a strict social media blackout. There are no planned “candid” shots of Jared and the kids, no tweets about “female empowerment” or whatever it was she did for the past four years other than gaslight and obfuscate her way into a government job.

That kind of cold turkey logging off for someone who seemed to live for every photo opp seemed like remarkable restraint—until Daily Mail photographers caught up with her.

The British tabloid, which notoriously set up camp outside of the Kushners’ $5.5 million Kalorama home and documented all of the first daughter’s designer outfits on its infamous “sidebar of shame,” reinstated its IvankaCam this weekend.

Unfortunately for anyone who is into holding these loathsome people accountable, the “exclusive first photos of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner’s new life” show them enjoying a seemingly-carefree existence in the sun.

They play in the sand with their children while Ivanka wears an extremely unstylish, but very middle American ensemble: a straw hat and gauzy striped cover-up. She lounges on the beach reading a Mitch Albom book. Next to her is Jared, who looks at his phone with the confused gaze of a boomer dad who just discovered TikTok.

If these images are as staged as they seem to be, one can presume the intended purpose is to communicate that the Kushners are still hard at work. They very well might be busier than they have ever been, as Politico reported Tuesday that the couple is in close contact with Trump.

“Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner have warned Trump that while he has the votes for [impeachment] acquittal, he can still screw this up,” the site reported. “‘Snatch defeat from the jaws of victory’ is the phrase Kushner has been heard using most frequently to describe the worry.”

But first, Ivanka will snatch ice cream, as the photos show her taking the kids to a frozen custard stand. In a baggy sweater and pleated skirt—a very Upper East Side ensemble for a Miami boardwalk—Ivanka looks absolutely miserable for someone who is, again, about to eat dessert.

The family now reportedly lives at Arte Surfside, a luxury condominium complex steps from the beach where a four-bedroom costs a little over $9.5 million. (Its penthouse recently sold for $33 million, making it the third-most-expensive sale in Miami Beach within the past seven years, Forbes reported.)

“Arte is the newest and most exclusive building among several prestigious luxury hotels and residences, all designed by international architecture stars who are transforming Surfside into a new American Riviera,” the building’s website touts.

And it was la dolce vita for Ivanka this weekend, as she nestled into a chaise on her private deck, wearing black cat-eye shades and a black-and-red striped dress. “Ivanka Trump debuted her beachside style this week,” Footwear News reported.

It might not be a Gucci retirement kaftan like the one Melania wore exiting Air Force One, but Ivanka’s relaxed style is certainly a middle finger to anyone hoping she might be sweating her father’s impending impeachment. All she needs to worry about, according to this dress, is making sure she reapplies her SPF every two hours.

As the writer and frequent chronicler of influencers’ bad decisions Sophie Ross tweeted, Ivanka has made a new friend during her time in Miami. Arielle Charnas, the woman behind clothing line Something Navy, reportedly lives in the same building.

“They’ve all become besties,” a source told Ross, adding that Charnas’ cousin/fellow influencer (what else is there to do in Miami) Candice Miller, aka @MamaandTata, frolic on the beach together.

A representative for Something Navy denied a budding friendship between Charnas and Trump. “They have absolutely NEVER met,” the rep wrote in an email.

So, Ivanka wants us all to know she is having fun and won't let those pesky impeachment haters get her down. Still, she has to put up with a classic rich-person dilemma: what to do when someone keeps driving a van around your oceanfront community that reminds everyone you called the Capitol rioters “patriots”?

“We'll be in her new neighborhood in Florida all week!” the anti-Trump political action committee wrote on Twitter. So far, that does not seem to faze Ivanka. The beach party continues.