Tell-Alls

John Mayer Pleasures Himself

Talks masturbation in interview with Rolling Stone.

John Mayer has some advice for Tiger Woods: "If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion," Mayer tells Rolling Stone in a new interview. "I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week… I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating." Other highlights include his dismay over girls rejecting him in nightclubs (”Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!”); his breakup with Jennifer Aniston (”I’ve never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life”); and his quest for eternal love (he says he’s after the “Joshua tree of vaginas.”)