“First of all, ‘unfunny’ in quotes? Which means you think we’re funny?” Stephen Colbert asked on Monday night’s Late Show. “In which case I want to say, ‘thank you?’” he added, making air quotes with his fingers.
In response to Trump’s demand for “equal time,” Colbert said he was inviting another late-night host, trained in the art of “unfunny,” to “offer balance to what I say about the president.”
With that, Jon Stewart emerged and took his place behind a microphone. As Colbert explained, in order to appease the president, he would deliver his “usual unfair slamming of the president” and Stewart would “provide the counterweight.”
However, when Colbert joked about Trump’s desire for “equal time,” all Stewart could come up with was, “Donald Trump is not a cannibal.”
“Last week, we learned that Donald Trump’s own secretary of state called him a ‘fucking moron,’” Colbert said. “Not only is that an insult, he gave away Trump’s Secret Service code name.”
In response, Stewart said, “Given the choice between having hot lava poured into my pee hole and Donald Trump being the president, I choose the latter.”
“On Friday, Trump made it easier for employers to deny women birth control,” Colbert added next. “Pretty soon, the only contraceptive women will have left is his face.”
“Donald Trump is great to women,” Stewart replied. Or maybe “good.” Then, “Better than Harvey Weinstein.”
Finally, charged with finding a positive side to Trump’s ominous talk about the “calm before the storm” while surrounded by military leaders, Stewart couldn’t take it anymore.
“What the fuck is wrong with this guy?” Stewart asked. “‘You'll find out?’ A cliffhanger, surrounded by military people? Will Trump give humanity the rose? Will civilization make it to the fantasy suite?! And ‘calm before the storm?’ Is that what he was saying? How is all this not the storm? This is all the storm! And what kind of sociopath would use that terminology while people are still cleaning up from literal storms?”
It was left to Colbert to offer the positive spin on that one: “Donald Trump is not a cannibal,” he said.