CRUNCHGATE

Navy Calls Cap’n Crunch’s Bluff

Say there's no record of him as a captain.

Who you calling captain? Food blogger Charisma Madarang's revelation that Cap’n Crunch isn’t actually a captain sent cereal lovers into a tailspin—and the Navy into action. “We have notified NCIS, and we’re looking into whether or not he’s impersonating a naval officer—and that’s a serious offense,” said Cmdr. Chris Servello, director of the U.S. Navy’s news desk. Madarang made the conclusion after discovering a discrepancy in the stripes on Cap’n Crunch’s wrists—he has only three, a captain has four. “The cheery Santa Claus in a blue Napoleon hat is really just a big, fat LIAR,” Madarang wrote. So what’s the sly fox got to say for himself? “Of course I’m a Cap’n!” he tweeted to nervous fans. “It’s the Crunch—not the clothes—that make a man. #PaidMyDues.”