November Surprises

In a desperate bid to close the gap, our satire columnist says the McCain camp—whoops, unnamed sources!—are leaking some of their most lurid smears yet.

Following the suspiciously last-minute “news” that Barack Obama’s aunt (or sort of aunt: his deceased father’s half-sister; whatever) has been living illegally in America since 2004, Democrats are reportedly bracing for more last-minute “November surprises.”

The McCain camp has denied being the source of Aunt-gate but has been sounding a bit like Sergeant Schultz in“Hogan’s Heroes.” ( Ve know nothing—NO-thing!) Well, as Alexander Hamilton put it in Federalist 79, “Politicks be not beanbagge.”

"Obama's entire political career is based on a relationship with a ruthless drug lord. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

Among other possible “revelations” brewing on the eve of Election Day 2008:

Michelle Obama and William Ayers were romantically linked in the 1960s. What makes this charge somewhat far-fetched and suspect is that Mrs. Obama was 6 years old when the two allegedly “met over Molotov cocktails in a bar catering to left-wing terrorists.”

Barack Obama provided pro bono legal advice to Medellin cocaine kingpin Pablo Escobar. According to this story, which has been circulating for months aboard the “Straight Talk Express,” Escobar compensated Obama for the “free” legal advice with “8.4 metric tons” of cocaine, which Obama used in his early “community organizing” in Chicago. “His entire political career,” says Nicolle Wall—whoops—said an unnamed source within the McCain organization—“is based on a relationship with a ruthless South American drug lord. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but the public should probably be aware of it before making him, you know, President.”

The Muslim thing. Twenty-five percent of Americans believe that Obama is an adherent of Islam. (This figure does not include the estimated 450,000 New Yorker magazine readers who, polls show, believe that last summer’s “satirical cover” depicting Obama as Osama and Michelle as Angela Davis was “based on an actual photograph.” Rick Dav—sorry—an unnamed source within the McCain camp says it is in possession of a “somewhat disturbing” video showing Senator Obama “bent over, ass in the air on a prayer rug chanting ‘Allahu akbar.’ (“God is a Democrat.”)

The Reverend Jeremiah Wright has been asked to give the invocation at Obama’s inaugural. A posting on wearenotinanywayconnectedtotheMcCainorganizationwinkwink.com claims “to have proof” that Obama’s controversial former pastor at the Trinity United Goddamn America Church will “absolutely, totally, really, no kidding” give the oath of office when Obama is sworn in as President of the United States. Steve Schm—oopsie—a completely unnamed source in no way connected with the McCain camp says that although he has not seen the posting, he has “definitely heard about it” and is “troubled” by it.

Biden’s visits to a “dermatologist” for Botox injection was a cover. He was taken to a super-secret medical facility and replaced with a cyborg-replicant programmed to talk incessantly for four years, without even having to replace the batteries. There may actually be some truth to this one.

See more of our coverage in your search results.

ADD THE DAILY BEAST ON GOOGLE

Christopher Buckley

Got a tip? Send it to The Daily Beast here.