Two weeks ago, Samantha Bee used her Full Frontal show to preview what ended up being an even crazier Republican National Convention than she could have imagined. This week, she looked back at the Democratic National Convention and began with a question: “Can we set politics aside for a second and appreciate that history was made last week?”
“We have waited our whole lives to hear a woman say those words,” Bee said of Clinton’s momentous acceptance of her party’s nomination. “And then immediately get criticized for the voice she said them in.”
“Lucky for Democrats, their big shindig followed the four-day blooper reel that was the Republican Convention,” she said. “A poorly attended rage-a-thon, featuring a parade of hemorrhoidal has-beens trying to literally scare up votes by making America shit its pants.”
But somehow, instead of “embarrassing” America, the Democrats managed to out-patriot the Republicans at every turn. “I’m not crying, I just have tears coming out of my wherever,” Bee joked after showing a clip of Michelle Obama’s speech. “The convention was an unexpected triumph of positive messaging and flawless showmanship,” she continued. “Turns out the Democrats had this in them all along and all it took to get their shit together was the looming certainty of Armageddon.”
Like most viewers of the DNC, it was the remarks of Khizr Khan, the Muslim father of a fallen U.S. Army captain, that resonated most powerfully with Bee. “He even picked out a copy of the Constitution small enough to fit in Trump’s hands,” the host joked. Of course, it did not take long for Trump to fire back at the Khan family, wondering aloud whether the man’s wife, Ghazala Khan, was even “allowed” to speak.
“She was too choked up from seeing her son’s picture,” Bee said. “Why are you allowed to have anything to say?”
In the end, Hillary Clinton got the full-throated endorsement of two former presidents, one of them her husband and the other her former rival-turned-biggest supporter, along with, “just for good measure, half the fucking Pentagon standing on stage saying vote for Hillary if you want to live.”
“That is how good you have to be if you’re a woman running for president. And she still might lose to this: The least qualified candidate ever to lurch into the public spotlight and shit on gold star moms while cradling Putin’s sweaty sack,” Bee concluded. “Let’s hope Hillary doesn’t get lipstick on her teeth between now and November or it’s all over.”