“Who is ready to get nasty?” Samantha Bee asked at the top of Full Frontal Monday night, sporting one of the many #NastyWoman T-shirts that popped up after Donald Trump used those words to smear Hillary Clinton during the third and final presidential debate last week.
For Trump, Bee described the debate as “the recurrent dream where the big test is today and you haven’t gone to class or done the reading all semester,” hitting his vague answers about the Heller decision and the “start-up” treaty. But despite his lack of knowledge on almost every issue that came up over those 90 minutes, even left-leaning pundits gave him credit for a decent performance in the first couple of segments.
“No! Only kindergarteners get credit for using their inside voices,” Bee said. “Our media are so punch drunk from the 16-month Hindenburg explosion of Trump’s candidacy, they no longer notice how awful he is unless he Hulks out on stage or grabs the foundational principles of our republic by the pussy, which he will if someone sticks the needle in just the right spot.”
Bee also had some strong words for moderator Chris Wallace, who brought up “late-term partial-birth abortions” early in the night. “Partial-birth abortions aren’t a thing!” she shouted into a bullhorn before explaining, “It’s a non-medical term the National Right to Life committee made up in the the ’90s for a procedure that was outlawed in 2003 by the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act.”
As for late-term abortions, which are very rare, she added, “Guess what? It’s not because women are selfish sluts who wake up in their third trimester and decide, ‘Not into this, I want a procrast-abortion.’ It’s usually because the tests done at that point reveal a fatal birth defect or serious risk to the mother’s life.”
In response to the question, Trump proclaimed that in Clinton’s America, you “can take baby and rip the baby out of the womb of the mother just prior to the birth of the baby.”
“It sounds a lot like Trump has confused abortions with bear attacks,” Bee said. “Removing a baby from the woman’s womb in the ninth month isn’t abortion, it’s a birth. And I’m sure Donald Trump would love to outlaw it. It makes the pussies too gross and screamy for grabbing.”
But with just two weeks to go until Election Day, Bee also made sure to throw in some positive words about Clinton’s performance. “This debate was when Hillary’s mask of self control finally slipped, revealing the awful secret she’s been hiding this whole time: authenticity and passion,” she said.
“Men, if you don’t get why it’s important to have a woman as a major-party nominee, check your social-media feed,” Bee said. “Actually, log in as your wife, you’ll see that all week women have been sharing deeply personal stories of pregnancies that went wrong. They were buying T-shirts and warming to a passionate, unapologetic feminist we haven’t seen since the ’90s. One who stood in a shower of shit and managed to do what 16 primary candidates and the entire Republican establishment couldn’t, namely, beat this dick-waving Berlusconi knockoff like a little bitch.”
“Her name is Hillary,” Bee concluded. “Ms. Rodham if you’re nasty.”