Samantha Bee’s Message to Sexual Harassers Like Harvey Weinstein: ‘Your Dick Is Ugly’

This was the Harvey Weinstein takedown we’ve been waiting for.

After late-night TV’s male hosts struggled to find the comedy in the disgusting sexual-misconduct allegations against the Hollywood heavyweight, Full Frontal’s Samantha Bee absolutely nailed it Wednesday night with a PSA-style video that appeared online before her show aired its first new episode since the bombshell story broke.

“With all these big sexual-harassment cases going public, men are getting concerned about how they can avoid being accused,” Bee began. “Some have even stopped having solo meetings with women at all, which is great for women’s careers. Thanks, guys.”

As a “big comedy star” and “Hollywood executive,” Bee said she’s found that it’s “quite easy not to masturbate in front of my employees.”

“Every day I wake up, get dressed, take the subway to work and then don’t masturbate in front of anyone,” she continued. “Next time you get the urge to masturbate, just ask yourself, ‘Am I in front of an employee or a colleague?’ And if the answer is ‘yes,’ don’t. Just don’t.”

While she was at it, Bee had another piece of news for the men watching. “Your dick is ugly,” she said into the camera. “No one wants to see your dick, in any context. Even the straightest, horniest woman who loves you the most is hoping you can get it inside her without having to look at it.”

She advised men not to show their dicks to strangers or text pics of it to people. “And definitely don’t whip it out at film festivals,” she said, in the first and only reference to Weinstein. “Your dick is objectively the worst thing about you.”

“Don’t masturbate in front of people who haven’t specifically asked you to, and even then, stop and ask yourself, what is our power dynamic?” Bee added. “Is there a chance in hell this person might only be agreeing to see my hideous dick out of fear for their career? If so, make a good business choice and keep your business in your pants.”

And just like that, Bee was able to deliver the funniest, most pointed commentary on the whole Harvey Weinstein situation—without once mentioning his name.

But that was just the beginning. “In case you didn't realize, it has been a huge week for women, starting last week when America encountered this season’s second giant vortex of destructive moisture named Harvey,” Bee said at the top of her show. “Give me a break, white Cosby,” she added in response to his “all about mea culpa.”

“Predictably, Republicans popped a few Tic-Tacs and moved on the Weinstein scandal like a bitch for partisan gain,” the host added later, highlighting the latest hypocrisy from Fox News. “Yes, Weinstein is exactly as bad as Trump. I demand that we impeach Harvey Weinstein immediately! Call your representative in the Hollywood Congress and demand they act now.”

Noting that this story was a “surprise to everyone except women,” Bee said, “Listen up, creeps of Hollywood, we know who you are. Weinstein isn’t the only cool Democrat lurking in film-festival hotels waiting to play a jolly masturbation prank. Women talk to each other and we talk to journalists and we talk to lawyers. It’s 2017, we don’t have to put up with this shit. We are coming for you.”

“Talk to every woman you work with like she has The New York Times on speed dial,” she continued. “Well, I guess it took the Times a little while to take care of business. OK, talk to every woman like she has me on speed dial. My show is only once a week. I’ve got some free time.”