Jamaica continues to be a surprisingly fruitful setting for the cast of Southern Charm to push each other’s buttons. Tonight’s episode picks up with Shep screaming at Craig over Paige’s absence and ends with Shep yelling at Austen about his makeout with Taylor. This whole hour is really just a terrifying and equally hilarious display of Shep’s insecurity-driven rage. And as much as I think this man needs some intense therapy sessions outside of the realm of Bravo, he unfortunately makes for some damn good television.
Last week’s episode ended with Craig fleeing Mrs. T’s with a wine glass while Shep insinuated that Paige was cheating on him. Unfortunately, we don’t learn more about this rumor, which I doubted had any legs in the first place. And when Craig calls Paige later to tell him Shep was talking shit about her, he decidedly leaves out the cheating accusation—just like he did when Taylor said Paige had stepped out on him. Still, Paige seems to be aware that Taylor and Shep both have issues with her, and she says very plainly that she “doesn’t really like either of them.” I would typically deem this as Paige being a mean girl, but when it comes to these two, it’s a fair opinion to have!
But back to this Jamaican restaurant that is being defiled by this cast’s presence. Olivia decides to confront Taylor about the Page Six article. She says that if there was a report about her hooking up with her ex, she would go to Taylor immediately to calm her suspicions. But Taylor continues to cry and play victim, so Olivia storms off to the sprinter van to cry into a tray.
Everyone else slowly makes their way to the vans. Shep starts yelling at Olivia and Venita that he’s just as frustrated with Taylor’s behavior as they are, as if he’s on trial. And he ends up snapping at Venita, who immediately puts him in his place. Then he goes outside where Craig and Austen are standing to tell them that everything’s good between them.
The next morning, some of the cast goes to the beach to discuss last night’s madness. Austen gives Whitney, who I guess has been hanging out in video village for most of this trip, a recap. Of course, from Austen’s point of view, he was the victim of everyone’s arguing. He also pokes fun at JT for his chivalrous, nice-guy act, and implies it’s why he doesn’t have any women lusting over him. Cut to JT at the pool assuring Taylor, with very strong eye contact, that he’ll always have her, and Taylor laughing nervously.
The day’s main event, though, is a yacht with a minimal assortment of food. Shep reminds us again that he hasn’t been to Jamaica since before 9/11. Taylor says she was in the first grade at the time, which is just one of the 50 reasons her and Shep are a doomed pair. Shep also (sort of) apologizes to Venita for screaming at her the night before, which is maybe the quickest mea culpa he’s offered to a woman. Venita isn’t even pressed.
After some snorkeling and terrible dancing, the group hops back into their van and starts roasting each other. Craig asks Shep what advice he would give to the next woman who hooks up with JT, and Shep says, “Don’t wear heels.” Of course, it’s all fun and games until Shep is the target of a joke. When Craig asks Taylor what she would tell Shep’s next female lover, Taylor says, “Don’t expect to finish.” The look on Shep’s face, if not the entire van’s, is priceless because he clearly knows it’s true. He then starts defending his right to not make his partner come, as if that’s a good look. Still, I was somehow more embarrassed for Taylor, who’s actively trying to reconcile with a guy who’s made her orgasm “less times than [she] can count on [her] hand.”
Like clockwork, this jab sends Shep spiraling for the rest of the night. When the guys (plus Madison) go to Whitney’s suite for some pre-dinner drinks, Shep immediately starts calling out Austen again for his lack of growth—as if Shep is an emblem of maturity. He clearly envisioned Austen making his ex-girlfriend finish as he left on the van, and now he’s going to re-litigate their makeout for the 500th time.
It’s the same, old drunken back-and-forth we’ve seen all season with few changes in Austen’s story. Now Austen’s claiming that Taylor was the one who initiated their kiss when he told the guys a few weeks ago at Patricia’s house that he went in for a kiss. He and Whitney do another demonstration, and Austen actually kisses Whitney, which made me feel bad for him for the first time ever. Austen also lets it slip that he and Taylor “f*cked” before changing it to “f*cking made out.” When Madison points out his flub, Austen calls her a “bored housewife,” which really seemed to strike a nerve. (As much as I hate Austen, I kind of think this is true.) So Madison storms off, and the guys agree to end their argument—for now.
Finally, everyone begins making their way downstairs for dinner. Taylor and Olivia are the first ones at the table and have nothing to say to one another. I have to point out that Olivia is wearing a sparkly crop top that literally looks like it’s made out of glittery construction paper. (I could do a separate column on how poorly she and Taylor dress every week.) Meanwhile, Craig is doing Andrea Denver-cosplay with most of his shirt unbuttoned.
When they bring up Austen and Whitney’s kiss, Madison jokingly asks Austen if Whitney’s a better kisser than Taylor. And he responds again by calling her “nothing but a bored housewife.” Austen and Olivia also exchange some words briefly before she decides she’s not going to argue with him again.
As soon as everything seems like it’s settled down, Taylor rises from her seat in a particularly bone-chilling way and starts tapping her glass. Understandably, everyone looks terrified at what this sloppy woman is about to say. It’s clear she’s going to use this opportunity to plead her case in this Austen debacle. Unfortunately—not for us—she’s unaware that Austen just threw her the bus again to the guys and Madison. I can’t wait for her entire argument to implode in real time.