On Wednesday, James Comey surprised the world by putting out the statement he plans to read at Thursday’s Senate Intelligence Committee hearing. And in doing so, he also delivered an early Christmas present to Stephen Colbert.
With a copy of Comey’s elaborately detailed diary entries in hand, the Late Show host read its contents aloud to his viewers Wednesday night, at times acting out the role of President Donald Trump.
“Comey first met with Trump on January 6th to let him know about some so-called ‘salacious intelligence,’” Colbert said, whispering, “pee-pee tape.” The then-FBI director decided to meet with Trump alone to help “minimize” his embarrassment. “Remember, this was back when we thought it was possible for him to feel embarrassment.”
Colbert relished imagining just how President Trump informed Comey that he “had not been involved with hookers in Russia.” As the host joked, “Comey replied, I understand Mr. President, but I just asked what you had for breakfast.”
On their unexpectedly private dinner, which took place a few weeks later, Colbert said, “Oh, c’mon, that’s the oldest trick in the book. You invite your FBI director over for a movie, saying it’s going to be a ‘group thing.’ When he shows up, it’s just the two of you. Can’t make Netflix work so, you know… so you obstruct justice.”
Trump’s “bombshell” at that particular meeting was telling Comey, “I need loyalty, I expect loyalty.” In response, Comey says, “I didn’t move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way during the awkward silence that followed.”
“Basically, Comey treated Trump like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park,” Colbert said. “It makes sense, they both have the same sized hands.”
Among the “weird stuff” in Comey’s remarks, Colbert said, was the fact that Trump repeatedly referred to his Russia scandal as “the cloud” over his administration. “Mr. President, that’s not a cloud,” Colbert told Trump. “Meteorologists call that a shitstorm.”