Sometimes, when two celebrities love themselves very, very much, they engage in a mutually beneficial flirtation. This “special hug” is historically shared between a man, a woman, and a collection of paparazzi. And if the two stars hug hard enough, and/or employ enough “anonymous sources,” they just might produce an article like this one.
Many of you may have been wondering, “What is Taylor Swift up to these days?” This is the kind of errant, harmless thought that fills our meaningless, plebeian Octobers, as we mindlessly refresh our Twitter feeds and plot our triumphant Ken Bone Halloween costumes. Unfortunately, these musings become less harmless once you consider the fact that Taylor Swift is a cunning fame monster who subsists exclusively off gluten-free cookies and attention. Just in time for All Hallows’ Eve, Swift has risen. And she may or may not be dating Drake. Are you happy now?
Katy Perry may have checkmated Taylor Swift during this election cycle, but Taylor Swift has already checkmated us all in her mind. In the wake of Kim Kardashian’s Pulitzer Prize-winning (still pending) Snapchat journalism, Swift was outed as a bit of a liar. In the months since Mrs. West pulled off Swift’s blonde bob and human skin to reveal a teeming mass of snake emojis, the pop star has consciously uncoupled from the mainstream media machine. Of course, the mastermind behind Hiddleswift doesn’t really take vacations. Instead, she attended jury duty, pity texted Calvin Harris, and plotted her revenge. A world away, the artist formerly known as Aubrey Graham successfully gaslighted Rihanna into a short-lived relationship. He released an ill-informed diss track against Kid Cudi. He trademarked the non-strip club strip club. Taylor Swift gathered strength. She waited.
Taylor Swift may or may not be a reptilian creature who feeds off Martha Hunt’s blood and her ex-boyfriends’ tears. But she is, inarguably, a genius. Swift can sell anything, from a relationship with Calvin Harris to an EDM collaboration with Calvin Harris. She’s successfully branded everything she touches, from heartache to country music to her own female friendships. But without a doubt, Swift’s most impressive product is herself. TayTay has deliberately and meticulously crafted her own meteoric rise. Even more miraculously, she’s marketed “Taylor Swift” as a sweet, guileless ingénue. Before the world could say “acoustic guitar,” the unassuming teen was sitting on a pop empire. You don’t get to the top of the cheerleading pyramid without pulling a few ponytails along the way, and TayTay has her fair share of pissed-off exes and sworn enemies. Unfortunately for them, she’s got countless tricks up her extremely flattering sleeves. Anyone who thought that Taylor Swift could be felled by a well-timed social media assassination clearly doesn’t know anything about Taylor Swift.
Like all worthy opponents, Swift strikes when she’s least expected—in this case, at Drake’s 30th birthday party. Aubrey’s 30th was likely billed as an opportunity to celebrate all the rapper’s achievements, from overcoming fake paralysis to making turtleneck sweaters great again. So imagine the world—and Drake’s—surprise when the Los Angeles fete turned into the unofficial launch party for Draylor. Like all incredible relationship theories, this hot gossip comes courtesy of an unnamed source. According to Page Six, our well-placed spy reported, “Taylor came through the front door with Karlie Kloss and the Haim sisters while [Katy] entered through the back with a gang of friends, who were inappropriately dressed for the formal affair.” This unnecessary Katy Perry dig comes courtesy of an anonymous partygoer whom we’re supposed to believe is not Taylor Swift. The source added that Drake joined Swift “in her booth after the dinner,” and the two of them “were intimately flirting, talking closely, and laughing.” Next, anonymous noted that, “The only person he spent more time with other than his mom was Taylor.” That super normal observation definitely didn’t come directly from Swift’s personal diary. This relationship is proceeding organically!
While I have personally pinned all of my hopes and dreams on this relationship, and am already amassing a folder of reaction GIFs for their first public appearance, there’s a huge possibility that this is all baseless gossip. According to TMZ’s own, super defensive source, Drake gave Swift special treatment since she’s not a regular staple of the Drizzy nightlife scene. According to this partygoer/party pooper, Drake politely made introductions between Swift, his mother, and a few key members of his crew. Still, one man’s polite introduction is another woman’s material for a soon-to-be hit single about falling in love with Drake at his 30th birthday party. Imagine the ceremonial merging of the squads, the subsequent breakup albums, and the countless dates at Cheesecake Factory. Imagine Rihanna’s social media shade, not to mention Kanye’s. Indulge, for a moment, in this beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy.