Tom Brady had better hope Roger Goodell’s a Ted 2 fan.
Days after appealing his four-game suspension in front of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell during a 10-hour marathon hearing Tuesday, the New England Patriots quarterback and three-time Super Bowl MVP cameos in the raunchy R-rated comedy opening Friday packed with gross-out gags—and one well-timed Deflategate joke. (Mild spoilers below.)
Brady pops up briefly opposite Pats diehard Mark Wahlberg as the Thunder Buddies attempt to pull off the ultimate tribute-cum-heist. Adult life has caught up with Wahlberg’s John and his talking teddy bear bestie Ted (voiced by Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane), who marries his human lady friend Tami-Lynn at the start of the Boston-set sequel and sets out to start a family.
Of course, Ted is a stuffed animal and technically lacks reproductive organs. So he and Tami-Lynn opt to conceive via artificial insemination. And what better specimen is there in all of New England, Ted argues, than four-time Super Bowl champ Tom Brady?
Cue slapstick shenanigans and plenty of euphemisms as John and Ted bumble their way through a plot to steal Tom Brady’s semen. The majority of Brady’s scenes can be glimpsed in Ted 2’s Super Bowl trailer, including a Pulp Fiction-esque moment when the duo lifts up a sleeping Brady’s bed sheets and is mesmerized by Brady’s golden glowing junk.
“Seth had written the scene and felt the best way to approach him would be through me, because we have a great friendship,” Wahlberg told The Daily Beast. “So I called him and after he stopped laughing hysterically for I don’t know how long he said, ‘Of course, I’d love to.’”
Brady shot his scenes ahead of the 2014 season, “before he went on to win the Super Bowl and claim his spot at the top as the greatest quarterback of all-time,” explained Wahlberg.
“The first great thing to happen to the Patriots was Bob Kraft buying the team. The second greatest thing to happen to the Patriots was Bill Belichick coming to coach. And the third and finally the most important piece of the puzzle was Tom Brady coming in for a hurt Drew Bledsoe and becoming the starting quarterback,” Wahlberg declared.
Ted 2, which also stars Amanda Seyfried as a pothead attorney and Flash Gordon’s Sam Jones as himself, was still being stuffed together when Ballghazi hit on January 18, 2015, sending shockwaves through the sports world.
Was Brady privy to the dastardly under-inflation of balls used in the Patriots’ win over the Colts to lock the AFC Championship?
Did he mean to make so many double entendres when he pleaded his innocence later that week?
Almost half a year later, it’s unclear when Goodell will decide if he’ll reduce or reverse Brady’s four-game Deflategate suspension. If the NFL rules in Brady’s favor, Goodell can quote a choice bit of Ted 2 dialogue the filmmakers added in post-production without Brady’s knowledge long after the superstar quarterback shot his scenes.
Fittingly, it’s Brady pal Wahlberg who delivers the throwaway line with perfectly sycophantic adoration.
“You’re not a cheater,” he tells Brady. “I think your balls are perfect.”