FAKE NEWS

‘The Daily Show’ Defends Kim Kardashian Over Cocaine Allegations: ‘She’s Married to Human Cocaine’

The reality superstar’s fans accused her of doing cocaine after a curious Snapchat video emerged. It was baloney. And according to Trevor Noah, coke is the last thing she needs.

“Let’s get right to the big scandal that is rocking America’s first family,” announced Trevor Noah on Wednesday night’s edition of The Daily Show.

No, the comedy host wasn’t referring to Donald Trump Jr.’s meeting with a Russian attorney during the election campaign in an attempt to obtain damaging intel on opponent Hillary Clinton, or Don Jr.’s recent tweeting out of emails confirming the nature of that suspicious meeting. Rather, Noah was alluding to the nontroversy that’s embroiled Kim Kardashian, the marquee member of her surgically enhanced reality-TV clan.

You see, the other day, Kardashian Snapchatted a video. In the background of said video, it appeared as though two lines of white powder resembling cocaine were lined up on a marble counter. Kardashian immediately shot down the claim, alleging that it was merely “sugar” from Dylan’s Candy Shop—an upscale sweets store in New York City.

“Yeah. Come on, guys! Like… why would she do cocaine when she’s married to human cocaine? Come on, guys!” exclaimed Noah, imitating Kim’s voice.

He added: “’Cause think about it: Kanye is like, ‘Kim: I want to open a fashion store that’s a SPACESHIPPPP!’ and Kim is like, ‘Honey, calm down. Have some cocaine.’”

Of course, it wasn’t cocaine. Kim isn’t as dumb as her little brother, after all. The two white lines on the marble counter were actually just cracks in the marble, as Kardashian proved in a follow-up post:

Noah, meanwhile, was tickled by the initial justification: that the lines were sugar from Dylan’s Candy Bar.

“Kim wasn’t doing cocaine, but I love how her excuse was it was sugar from Dylan’s Candy Bar. That was her excuse,” said Noah. “I don’t know if you’ve ever shopped at Dylan’s Candy Bar. It is as expensive as cocaine. People lose their homes because of that place. Families have been destroyed. People walk around on the streets like, ‘Hey man, you got some gummy bears? I’ll suck your dick, man…”

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Marlow Stern

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