Meet Callum Burks, the naked, excitable patriot-thief of Shelbyville.
Last week, Burks was arrested in Murfreesboro, Tenn., when police caught him out in public—naked—hoisting stolen American and Marine Corps flags on a 12-foot flagpole. The 22-year-old nude patriot had apparently been watching the much-hyped boxing match between Manny Pacquiao and that overpaid loser who has a track record of physically assaulting women. And when Burks heard Jamie Foxx sing his not-very-good rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” Burks felt the urge to strip off his clothing, steal the flags, and express himself to an unsuspecting world.
For real. Here’s an excerpt from the arrest report, provided to The Daily Beast by the Murfreesboro Police Department:
On above date and time I responded…in reference to a male subject standing at that intersection holding a flag who was naked. Upon my arrival I made contact with Callum Burks, who was standing naked at that intersection holding a flag pole with a U.S. flag and a Marine Corps flag. I asked Mr. Burks why he was standing naked holding the flag pole. He stated that he was watching the Mayweather vs. Pacquiao fight and when he watched the national anthem, he felt very moved, so he decided he needed to do something. I asked him if the flags were his. He stated that he had taken them along with a pole from a house down the street.
Sometimes you just need to do something. Thankfully, the two flags and the accompanying pole were returned to their rightful owner. The naked patriot was charged with indecent exposure, vandalism, and theft.
Read the police report below: