TRAGIC

‘The Daily Show’ Reveals the Horror of Resembling Donald Trump Jr.

Your favorite fake news show chronicles what it’s like to resemble one of the most loathed men in America.

Even before his highly suspicious meeting with a Kremlin-linked attorney, an accused Russian money launderer, and a Russian man implicated in an international hacking conspiracy, Donald Trump Jr. was an insufferable douche; a cheap Gordon Gecko knockoff who enjoyed hunting endangered animals for sport and tweeting about his wife’s lactating breasts.  

And so, when it comes to Wall Street-types who resemble Don Jr. — slicked-back hair, ill-fitting pinstripe suit, spray tan, shit-eating grin — well, it isn’t easy going.  

“There’s no telling how badly Don Jr.’s damaged his father’s presidency with this meeting, but we’re already seeing some surprising consequences for ordinary Americans— people being hurt,” announced Trevor Noah near the top of The Daily Show Wednesday night.

The late-night host then threw to a segment featuring the new show correspondent Michael Kosta, who bears a striking resemblance to the infamous Don Jr.

“It’s always been a burden… my whole life, a shadow looming over me,” muttered Kosta, roaming the streets of Manhattan. “My name is Michael Kosta, and I kind of look like Donald Trump, Jr. My Wall Street fuckboi handsomeness. My quick-bury-this-hooker hair. People won’t talk to me. I can’t catch cabs, people say mean words to me, and it makes me feel sad inside of my body.”

“But the worst part?” he added. “I can’t even walk around now without random Russians trying to collude with me!”

Cut to Kosta, loitering on a city park bench only to be hassled by a Russian operative attempting to pass him valuable intel.

“Mr. Jr. Here is the secret dossier we spoke of,” said the Russian agent.

“I’m not Don Jr.!” he shouted in protest.

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Marlow Stern

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