The Last Wearable Frontier: Lady Parts

Period trackers that text you updates. Kegal monitors that measure your ‘flex.’ Apps that test for STIs. Lady bits have gone digital.

“I’ve got gadgets and gizmos aplenty. I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore. You want thingamabobs? I’ve got twenty!” The Little Mermaid was released in 1989, but Ariel’s swan song could be the theme for a whole new wave of ladies-only wearables, like the Looncup (yes, that’s its actual name). The menstruation-monitoring device texts women while located inside their bodies, letting them know the rate of their flow via handy smartphone updates.

This take on the Mooncup—the silicon sanitary alternative that collects menstrual blood from its position inside the vaginal walls—adds something of a digital twist to the lady products of yore. Rather than users needing to guess when their device needs rinsing, the Looncup sends a message to your smartphone to let you know when it’s at 50 percent and 70 percent capacity. Those with the app or an Apple Watch can track their period and receive information on the color of the fluid, which is dependent on factors such as sleep deprivation and stress.If the contraption receives its Kickstarter funding in full (it’s less than $5k away), it’ll be among the first pieces of wearable period tech to hit the market. It’s hard to see the Looncup dominating the industry, but the realm of the digi-vag is becoming increasingly fertile ground for innovation.A recent addition to the market is KGoal Smart Kegel Trainer—essentially a FitBit for your lady parts. The interactive device quantifies your pelvic floor exercises, measuring “clench strength” (yep) and offering tips on how best to work that area. Feeding the data to smartphones using Bluetooth, KGoal also boasts an internal motor designed to offer users “biovibrational feedback.” I’m pretty sure there’s already a booming, ahem, “biovibrational feedback” industry, but we shall let the people have their moment.It’s a moment, in fact, that is proving popular. A few months after KGoal launched, so too did Elvie—a kind of non-vibrating version of the former which comes with a handy charging case. The egg-shaped device gets inserted into the vagina, at which point a series of five-minute lifting exercises may begin. Sensors measure the pressure being applied, feeding back on the user’s performance through analytics sent to their phone.

Most of these apps and trackers are very much on the precipice of quasi-pointlessness, but the Her Health BVKit is a genuinely useful addition to the lady bits market. Created by five Ugandan university students, the kit enables women to test for vaginal infections at home by linking up a reusable pH sensor and an app, Vaginosis. Users dip the sensor into a urine sample, which then sends a reading, determining whether bacterial vaginosis is present. Other tests of this nature for the home have been developed, but this is the first that can be used multiple times, indicating that the land of digitized nether region care may not be so absurd after all.

Oh, except it 100 percent is, because a real-life woman with a human brain has developed the Dildo Selfie Stick. Okay, so it’s almost certainly one of those fun Internet hoaxes we like to get all riled up about and then pretend never existed, but is it such a terrible idea to give solo sexts some added oomph? Maybe. But even if this one is a fake, you can bet some pre-pubescent Palo Alto whzz kid is already pitching it for seed funding.