This year’s Summer Olympics in Tokyo was one of the last summer sporting events to be cancelled, but like everything else, the wheels have been turning to come up with an alternative.
Since most of the traditional sports we all enjoy competitively or recreationally can’t be conducted safely anymore, it’s time for the Olympics to pivot to sports that everyone has already been training for in their homes in the midst of this pandemic.
Welcome to the 2020 Remote Olympics!
Another Olympics first will be so many out-of-shape athletes vying for the gold in an event. Age does not seem to be a great factor, either, as combatants will go toe-to-toe capturing their best memories using hand and eye coordination, concentration and glue sticks. Many of these athletes are also participating in the 1,000 and 500 Piece Puzzle events.
Sour Dough Bread Bake-Off
Athletes are always told to load up on carbs but this is ridiculous. The French are favorites in this event but do not count out the Belgians or the Irish. The Irish are fighting mad and seeking redemption after unsuccessfully petitioning for a Soda Bread division. How this event will be judged or conducted is anyone’s guess, but we can all agree that it will be the best smelling one to date.
These contestants have been training in front of their TV sets this whole summer but now it’s for the gold. It’s poignant to think of all the cyclists in the world have for months, been apart, yet all pushing and striving toward the same images broadcast to us all, political pundits spin doctoring while viewers spin cycle. The point is that after hundreds of hours of cycling on a stationary bike while mindlessly watching CNN, MSNBC or FOX, nobody is getting anywhere.
One of the fastest growing new “sports,” Career Pivoting could be compared to Olympic Sailing or Equestrian Dressage, if one is referring to how painful it is to watch. This competition consists of separate mini events, such as Resume Writing, Hunting for Head-hunters, Interviewing, Multi-tasking, Dressing for Impressing, Faking Some Knowledge of Photoshop, Collecting Unemployment, and Zoom Networking. In other words, it’s very much a Depression Decathlon.
The last time this event reared its ugly head was the last time the Olympics were cancelled, back in 1944 (and before then in 1940) thanks to World War II. But back then long-distance meant cross-country, not crosstown. Actually, the new definition of a long-distance relationship is six feet. Good luck to our competitors this year and as they say, “all’s fair in love and war.” All athletes will be tested but everyone is eligible for this event no matter what the results.
This is in the same class as Long-Distance Relationships and while most were understandably squeamish about its inclusion in the 2020 Remote Olympics, many have been training for this event well before it was even officially announced. The initial motivation of the Modern Olympics was to help the world come together, and now this individual sport brings that sentiment full circle.