Last week, the Bronx’s own Cardi B gifted timelines across the country with the shutdown content we didn’t know we needed.
In a now-iconic video, the rapper railed against the longest government shutdown in history, which really is some crazy shit. “Now I don’t want to hear y’all motherfuckers talking about, oh, but Obama shut down the government for 17 days. Yeah, bitch, for healthcare,” Cardi began her lecture. “Now, I know a lot of y’all don’t care because y’all don’t work for the government or y’all probably don’t even have a job. But this shit is really fucking serious, bro.”
“I feel like we need to take some action. I don’t know what type of action bitch, because this is not what I do. But bitch, I’m scared.”
In a time of uncertainty and unfathomable stupidity, Cardi B spoke directly to the scared bitches in all of us. Democratic Senators Brian Schatz and Chris Murphy were so moved that they engaged in a highly embarrassing dad discussion to RT or not to RT, which culminated in Chuck Schumer sliding in to ask, “Are you gonna RT Cardi B or not?” Meanwhile, Cardi B’s latest viral political statement has already been retweeted IRL, in the form of Women’s March signs that spread her gospel. In a wholesome tweet, the former Love & Hip Hop star shared some choice protest posters, including one that was just a full transcript of her recent video.
But shockingly enough, some feral blonde conservatives and diehard Trump stans have taken issue with the A-list star using her platform to get political and educate her fans. An Afro-Latina woman criticizing the Trump administration online was never going to sit well with the far-right, and their racist, classist, misogynistic attempts to shame Cardi have now been polluting the hitmaker’s feeds for over a week. Of course, for all of their apparent hatred, the thirsty MAGA hive really just wants what Cardi B so effortlessly has: fame, and a global platform. In their efforts to sop up some of that relevancy, there’s no moral standard they won’t try to limbo under in the hopes of garnering some sympathy and headlines from a personalized Cardi B clapback.
This is not to say that Cardi B is to blame for giving these idiots the attention that they’re slobbering for. If one of the biggest stars in the world has a little downtime and gets a chuckle out of totally annihilating some dude who calls himself White Bread on the internet, who are we to judge her? It’s just interesting to note how much these noxious personalities owe to the woman they are so keen to mock and talk down to.
The prime example here is Tomi Lahren, a sentient simple carbohydrate who has managed to stick around by pissing off people who are more famous and talented than she is. Lahren attempted to use a classic two-part tactic on Cardi B—mock her on Twitter to get her attention, and then play victim when the rapper finally responded. Naturally Lahren, a woman who is perhaps best known for being called Tammy, mocked the record-breaking rapper’s intelligence, calling her “the latest genius political mind to endorse the Democrats.” Because there’s no point in attempting a reasonable back and forth with Lahren, or politely pointing out that the handful of celebrities who support Trump aren’t exactly Mensa material, Cardi had the exact right response: “Leave me alone I will dog walk you.”
Tomi obviously had no idea what Cardi B was talking about, trying (and failing) to save face with an “I’m sure you would,” before calling Cardi B “moronic.”
“You’re so blinded with racism that you don’t even realize the decisions the president you root for is destroying the country you claim to love so much,” Cardi responded. “You are a perfect example on no matter how educated or smart you think you are you still a SHEEP!”
While most of us felt blessed for the energy that Cardi was bringing into the New Year, and the gleefully-Photoshopped images of the “Bodak Yellow” star dragging Lahren around on a leash, Tomi was quick to frame Cardi’s genius response as violent aggression. In a very funny Fox News clip, Lahren can be seen railing against “the left’s hypocrisy”: “If you just look at my Twitter you can see that there are leftists with verified accounts who are not only laughing at the fact of me being ‘dog walked,’ they’re tweeting out memes showing me in a leash and a collar with Cardi B walking me.”
Other Twitter accounts quickly moved to get a piece of this ass-whooped attention. Former Pussycat Doll Kaya Jones, a Trump Twitter troll, responded to the thread, “Come dog walk me. I dare you.” She proceeded to keep on replying and mentioning Cardi, then retweeting her own replies. The Daily Caller’s Stephanie Hamill, who works for an outlet that used to employ the organizer of the Charlottesville neo-Nazi rally, also came for Cardi B when she certainly was not called for, tweeting a clip from Cardi’s recent “Twerk” video captioned, “In the Era of @meToo how exactly does this empower women?” Naturally she tagged the rapper, who ended up responding, “It says to women that I can wear and not wear what ever I want. do w.e I want and that NO still means NO. So Stephanie chime in…If I twerk and be half naked does that mean I deserve to get raped and molested? I want to know what a conservative woman like you thinks.”
Stephanie proceeded to tweet in honor of MLK Day with a quote that King never actually said, before inviting Cardi to come on her show and debate her (lol). There’s a much longer list of Trump-loving Twitter users who have made a home for themselves in Cardi’s mentions, with lovely comments like “Stick to shaking your booty.. that’s what you are good at” and “Leave the politics and public policy to the big boys and girls,” which was posted, hilariously enough, by a self-identified high school junior.
On Tuesday, Cardi once again took to Twitter to update the masses, posting, “All these conservatives been harassing me and telling me the most disgusting things these past few days. Listen I’m not telling ya to turn liberal all I’m saying is to admit that your president is fuckin up this country right now! Liberal or conservative we ALL suffer as citizens.”
But Cardi is hardly bothered. While thirsty conservatives have been elbowing each other out of the way to get a moment of Cardi’s notice, she’s been busy as always, getting her bag with a recently announced Las Vegas residency. Given her stacked entertaining schedule, alt-right attention-seekers are probably counting down the days until Cardi’s proposed State of the Union rebuttal.