The best thing you can say about “Achy Breaky Heart”, Billy Ray Cyrus’ 1992 hit single, is that it’s only 3 minutes and 24 seconds long. That was all the achy and breaky we had to endure—until now. Billy Ray, who’s now more famous for being Miley Cyrus’s father, and Buck 22, who’s only ever been famous for being Dionne Warwick’s son, have collaborated on “Achy Breaky 2,” a hip hop remix of the ‘90s hit. This unholy marriage of faux country and pseudo hip-hop is literally the worst of both worlds. If “Achy Breaky 2” plays at even one bar mitzvah party, that’s one bar mitzvah party too many—even horny 13-year-olds deserve better than this.
“Achy Breaky 2” opens with a “comedic” introduction by Larry King. By helping to unleash this Frankenstein creation, Larry King is essentially leaving a flaming bag of something on America’s porch. The basic premise of the video is that Billy Ray and Buck 22 are partying on a spaceship. Of course, the idea of Billy Ray Cyrus being launched out into intergalactic exile is tremendously appealing—but that doesn’t mean we want to watch the footage. Rocking a man-tank, sunglasses, and sultry pout, Billy Ray looks both embarrassingly excited to be included and super confused. Basically, he looks like your dad would look if someone put a guitar in his hands and told him to make a hip-hop music video. Nobody wants to see that.
Catapulting “Achy Breaky 2” from weird to disturbingly weird is the insane amount of young, naked cyborg flesh on display. Throughout the video, Billy Ray and Buck 22 are flanked by young women draped in what we can only imagine is a brand of super-durable space floss. Not only are these women as young as Miley Cyrus, they’re also twerking—the dance move that Miley herself popularized. Buck even goes so far as to reference Miley’s moves, rapping, “Miley keeps twerking, daddy’s song is working.” Someone needs to strap a jet pack on Dr. Drew and send him up to unpack these daddy issues, ASAP.
As for the song itself, this is the first time we’ve ever wanted to turn up the amount of Theremin on a track. Between the outdated EDM beats, Buck 22’s half-rapping, and the unfathomably annoying “Achy Breaky” hook, we’d honestly rather be listening to “Wrecking Ball.” If that wasn’t ludicrous enough, we’re pretty sure some e-cigarette company footed the “Achy Breaky 2” bill, judging from the weird space bongs that all the dancers are awkwardly clutching. “Achy Breaky 2”: sponsored by e-cigs and desperation.
“Achy Breaky 2” is really bad, and in an ideal world, no one would ever listen to it. But that doesn’t mean we’re not about to go watch it ten more times. In the (extremely troll-y) words of Buck 22 himself, “I’d rather be lucky than good.”
Meanwhile, Miley Cyrus just realized that Billy Ray stole her back up dancers, took all of her salvia, and filmed an embarrassing music video in her personal life-sized spaceship. Not again, dad!